wondering

who are we
why are we
where are we
what are we and why do we need to be anything
where do we fit
why do we want to fit
differences, similarities, shared ideals and opposite ideals
feelings, emotions, notions and potions
things we tell ourselves to get through, get by, get laid, get what we want
big, little, tall, small
gay, straight, fat, skinny
ugly, beautiful, intelligent or not
disabled, diseased, disfigured, disconnected, discontent
tattooed, pierced, showy, dowdy, frumpy, flashy, trashy
God fearing, God disbelieving
sexual, asexual, oversexed
falling into places, norms, classes, monetary,cultural and racial classifications
and begging to be let out, to get out, to run and be free
looking, searching, reaching, stretching
finding and binding ourselves to perceived and expected boundaries
loving, hating
understanding, refusal to see or believe
categories beyond numbers
all of us trying to be as many as we can
wanting to be none of them
saying one thing, doing another, doing ONE another
questions, questions, questions
answers by the millions, billions
and none of them what we want or expect
whos, whats, whens, wheres, whys, hows
trying please everyone and everything and pleasing nothing and no one
bombarded by "you must", "you will", "you have to"
fall in, fall down, fall behind
confusion, delusion, contradiction, hypocrisy
everything building and heaping and leaping, spinning and turning, growing bigger, bigger, bigger in our minds and hearts to the point of explosive overflowing ....
wondering

sanity

title of this particular post may not quite "match" the BS I 'm probably about to spout and I may use it again down the road, so beware.  BUT, I am going to try (as of today), to make this blog a weekly thing.  for me and for you. for me, so I can maybe get some of the clutter OUT of my head, sort it, see it from a different view (with your help), you know.  kind of a cathartic release on my end.  and for you purely for entertainment.  yeah, I see you sitting there going "OMG!! NO!!"  "how much can one daffy heifer spout?!"  hey.  you're reading it so who's the daffy-er one!!  anyhoo, that being said, I had been kinda stewing on what topic I might broach first and I kept coming up with decent thoughts but to be honest, right now it's all a massive jumble in there and what I WAS gonna sound off about is looking a bit flat to me right now so I tried going back to another something that had caught my attention in the last few days, only I don't know quite how to approach that one either, and then all these thoughts go spinning and flying around in my head to the point where I begin to question my own sanity because nothing I say makes any sense.  damn that was a long ass sentence.  see?  THAT should tell you my sanity is definitely in question.   well, if this blog thing works out, believe me when I say you will most surely question more than my sanity from time to time as I  am sure I will go from pleasant to asshole in 0.5 seconds and back again.  I will whine from time to time, bitch and moan about how unfair things are or how my anxiety has taken over again (as it is trying to do at this very moment) or how I want to strangle my offspring one day to "loving them so much!" the next.  be prepared to shake your head and go "what the hell is she smoking today?"  which by the way, I OFFICIALLY have had to quit smoking for once and all.  for good.  it's helping keep my vertigo flaring and I kinda don't like that swimmy-headed, fuzzy feeling.  so good-bye Marlboro's.  ok.  OK!!! stop clapping and cheering now!!!!  ok.  where was I?  oh yeah.  I may say things that will offend or make you angry and if I do, please have the balls to let me know.  I am not perfect and definitely do NOT know everything (although sometimes I am convinced I do - hey!  I'm human.)
so I will say things that not everyone agrees with.  just please know that I by no means expect everyone to agree with me either.  and I like it that way.  and if you really want to know just how much to question my sanity, I am listening to Christmas music as I write this.  just because I wanna.  Amy Grant to be specific.  gimmie 5 minutes and it'll be Rob Zombie ....... yeah.  hang on and come with if you're brave enough. 

forgiveness . . .

how do you forgive yourself?  when does the self-loathing stop?  WHY has it ALWAYS been your fault??  for everything?  how do you spend nearly most of your life trying to win the unconditional affections of a man who will never do this?  how do you NOT spend all your life wondering what you did for him to push you away and never let you back in?  or try to be as perfect as you could at EVERYTHING so he'd love you?  and know in your heart that if you hadn't fucked up he would?  to believe that he finds you ugly and disgusting and never good enough?

  how do you NOT claim full responsibility for the not one, not two but 5 - FIVE! - men who harmed you physically?  and you can't even remember the first one b/c you've completely blocked it out of your concious memory???  how do you NOT blame yourself for EACH and every time they brushed against you or pinched you or bit, grabbed and twisted flesh hard enough to leave bruises?  or even held you down and took what they wanted and then convinced you to allow it to happen again?????? 
when do you stop kicking yourself for putting yourself in the position to be harmed? 

or wondering if you always did all you could in every situation?  wondering if you were resentful or wrongly angry or aggravated?  wondering if you really DID do all you could to make things bearable for the person dying in front of you?  how can you be sooooo stubborn as to BELIEVE you're right and everyone else is wrong?  and be so determined to prove them wrong?  how do you know if you truly tried hard enough?  when do you stop wondering if God in Heaven will forgive you for not being a better caretaker or mom or wife or child or sibling or whatever? 

HOW can you feel your soul is good?  HOW can you believe those words that others use to describe you?  HOW do you make that raging, screaming, vicious, hateful voice go to Hell where she belongs and stay there?  HOW do you look in a mirror and NOT hate what you see?  and i don't mean your looks - i mean how do you NOT see the monster inside?  the darkness that hovers and grows and squeezes and tells you how you could have prevented EVERY harmful situation by simply not putting yourself there in the first place? 

when did that constant fear set in?  fear of not being good enough or not doing it right (whatever IT is) or of being the perpetual JOKE of everyone around you?  because you're fat and stupid?  (or you THINK you're stupid b/c you're not "worldly" or so-called educated?)  how do you choke that fear down and get rid of it?  esp. when you're 40 and it's so familiar???  damn near comfortable?  when it becomes easier and easier to simply shrink away from the world b/c you're too afraid and severly self-concious to be what others say is there?  or think you could be if you'd let go?

how do you find that "thing" to BELIEVE IN inside yourself without feeling vain or self-promoting or uppity?? 

how many times can you ask yourself ALL these questions, hear the answers from people who love you and STILL be so blind and ignorant?



PLEASE DON'T answer or comment to this one - i just needed to vent.  i just needed to see this in writing, to get it out. 

"wonder why the crazy bitch linked it then" huh . . .