today's rambling...

well, woke up this morning feeling alright. no real pain anywhere, stiff places stiff as usual, bladder full, little dog squeaking her need to "gopee", snores coming from the rest of the house.... finally got the BIG boy roused and moving, got the other 2 awake and went on to get my shower. now all clean and fully awake and sitting on the bed in my robe, dale off to take his own shower, and ... ... ... i hear a buzz. took me a minute to figure out the noise and i realized it  was Dale's phone. his cell phone. the one that he has pretty much PERMANENTLY in his damn hands unless he sets it down on the center console of a truck ( and he doesn't like to drive so most of the time the phone is in his hands then too), the phone that he CLAIMS never rings or doesn't do anything at all when i call or text or message him when he's out and doing whatever!!!!! okay, he will answer it when he's on his way to work out in west Texas but ONLY because the fucking thing is synced to his damn truck!!!!!!!!! otherwise, forget it!!!!!! he ain't answering nothing!!!! mostly because that stupid phone is on vibrate or silent. so. when i heard this noise and realized it was his phone, my very first reaction was one of mild anger because it proved my point the he didn't hear me calling him the day before because he COULDN'T hear the damn thing. he's more hard of hearing than i am and i have tinnitus in BOTH ears!!!!!  IF by some chance his phone is on the counter or whathaveyou here at the house and it goes off, WE have to yell at him to answer his phone because he truly cannot hear it!!!!! so!! why not just leave the phones ringtone on all the time??????? i mean, you go through the bother of choosing one you like on the preprogrammed ones or you make a point of finding some on zedge that you can download and use for whatever and sometimes you even set certain ones to certain contacts in your phone. so then WHY turn the volume off????????? ok. i can understand doing it for when you are in a very public place and maybe you don't want to call attention to yourself. but hey. you can usually FEEL the fucking thing vibrate because it's most likely on your person during this time ... or maybe you're at a function where you need phones on silent, like a recital or a graduation or wedding/funeral or maybe just in a church service.... and here's where my brain took off and totally left ground zero and did it's routine dance of overthink, go off on 42 elevendy different tangents... i was still considering where one might need to have a cell phone on silent, like during a church service, which led into yeah but not at my old church - folks had a habit of going through our parking lot even while mass was being said on a saturday evening or sunday morning and breaking into vehicles to steal cell phones.... which led to my thinking that the neighborhood wasn't bad, it was just desperate people doing such things, which went into thinking about one of my favorite and somehow my most disliked priests we had at st. joe, fr. matthew, and hearing his question to me once about did i know "what" lived in the neighborhood around the church which garnered a look from me that shut him up and i have since thought of sooooooooo many comebacks to his little innocent question, such as "yeah, the very poor and displaced people YOU are supposed to be ministering to" or something similar which then sent my brain into i don't know how many tangents at once thinking about our obligations as human beings to other people, fr. matthew, the catholic church, the people who live near the church, mansfield as a whole, to me then feeling guilty about thinking a bit judgy about fr. matthew and mansfield and church and .... yeah. and eventually i had to bring myself back to the moment and get dressed so i could make a run and get the dogs' flick & tea medicine with a surly 18 year old who was a bit pissed that she couldn't drive this morning and so forth and so on...  i wish i knew how to corral the thoughts into some sort of cohesion more often. maybe this can become one way. although, you'd think this would be a bit of a broken record considering i have seventy-twelve journals around here and can't seem to make myself write in them on a regular basis. oh i am a bundle of "wtf". but hey. assholes like me are needed too....

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and.... yeah

title of this blog is "thoughts from a scrambled brain" and yeah, today is a definitely a scrambled one. not a bad one, just scrambled. so many things that need doing, plenty of time to do a lot of them, no gumption to do them alone. trying to get help from others who live in this house is sometimes like trying to catch a sand in a spoon full of holes. and just as frustrating. i mean, they live here too. would it fucking kill them to take some initiative and do what they see NEEDS doing without the mother figure going apeshit and using all sorts of colorful language hoping it will give those others motivation to move?? i mean, we're talking about grown ups here!!!! yes, the others who reside in this hacienda are (NOT counting the other 47 year old) 23, 21, and 18. granted the 23 year old is mostly living with his current girlfriend but still, GROWN FUCKERS! and yet not a single one of them can do anything without me going off the deep end and turning into a raging banshee! then they ALL have the nerve to be fucking surprised???  and THEN i wind up feeling guilty for being a bitch????? NO!!! when the monkeys were 5, i could understand and didn't complain much about being the only person on two feet who could accomplish keeping a home presentable. but goddamnit!!!! they're not 5 anymore!!!! and i DID teach them better!!!! yes, i am one lazy ass bitch some days. yes, i have trouble even walking some days. yes, that is ALLLLLLLLL my own fault!!!!! (and i DON'T need that thrown back in my face, Mr. 23 year old. i know this better than you do and i am trying to do something about that as well and being thwarted half the time there too....)HOWEVER!!!!! you grown fuckers are still living totally off of the one person who has provided all this for you!!! (your father is has been the sole breadwinner in this house so you OWE him)and you don't seem to care that you're being disrespectful to HIM more than anyone by not doing your part to make sure that what he's provided for you is nice, comfy, clean, and happy when he is able to be here in it. but no. you wait until i blow up and sigh and huff and puff and act like it's just going to KILL you to do anything i ask, then you half assed do whatever it was i asked you to do or you fart around and make sure you don't do it at all!!! but yet i sit back and wind up feeling guilty for being a loud, obnoxious bitch and thinking that yeah, i would NOT want to have to deal with me either when honestly ANY other mom in the world would do, is doing, and has done the very same thing for the very same reasons!!! so your dad, who is home against his will, jumps in and tries to help as best he can doing chores he has NO business doing (because you should have done it!) and winds up doing most of it himself because phones and video games are soooooooo much more important!!!! (you might miss a notification on bacefook, or snampchamp, or twat, or instafuck!!! god forbid!!!!!) there are things that need to happen every day around here that don't. there are things that YOU should want to see done just so YOU can have a little pride in our home and surroundings just in case someone decides to drop by and visit or something. there are things that you should just fucking do because they need doing even if you are not the one who made the mess or used the dish or glass, or just because the floors look better clear, or the catbox is nicer when it has ONLY clean litter in it or whatever. especially when my scrambled brain is trying to deal with all this and the reason dad is home against his will and hoping our finances will hold up during this mess, and trying to remember who needs to be where on what day and time for whatever kind of appointment, and trying to remember what we need from the grocery store (and what we DON'T need), or what bills i have to pay this week or who needs money for what, and which friends i have been a friend to this week and whom i haven't spoken to (and i'm sorry!), to worrying over my half-brother who just lost his mother this past week, to worrying about other people who've been through a much rougher week or month than i have and then feeling guilty for not having enough to give to them to make their lives a little easier for just a few minutes, to knowing that sometimes all it takes to do just that is say something kind or what have you and feeling like a dummy for thinking i will say the wrong thing, to thinking that i have to justify every fucking decision i've made in the past week to someone (mostly my mother) even though i know i don't, to wondering if i HAVE made some really stupid decisions this past week, to being afraid of my own karma catching up to me over something i've done or said or even thought somewhere along the line of my 47 years and is that karma going to bite me in the ass today, to this and to that and to this other and... yeah.😫😫

this kind of day...

this has been one of those days. not only are the energies of the universe changing and settling into a new cycle/routine but my home is upside down six ways to sunday. hubby is STILL home after being "off" due to a lack of work and then an upset to his knee, which is now requiring an MRI among other things, we bought our daughter a truck VERY CHEAP that ran fine until about 12 hours after we bought it - seems to be a problem with a sensor, nothing big - and to top all this off, i went and broke the kitchen faucet today, which you know automatically means seventy-twelve times the amount of work it should require to simply replace it. naturally we have to replace four thousand other pieces of 40+ year old bad plumbing that seemingly had nothing to do with the part that broke but seems to have something to do with the greater cosmic feng shui of the damp, underdepths of a kitchen sink. don'tcha just love this kind of day....

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