self hate . . .

i'm sitting here w/tears in my eyes and racing thoughts once again. it's one AM and i need to be in the bed but i'm sitting here thinking too much.  wanna hear this one?  really?  i have to tell you i amaze myself.  i'm sure those of you who know me get tired of my insulting myself or not realizing/seeing what all of you see or whatever. 

you know i've been told all my life just how beautiful i am.  and i think you're all full of bullshit.  really.  this gets compounded just a few moments ago when i took a good look at the french manicure nails i gave myself earlier.  see, part of me does this with the nails b/c it makes me feel almost pretty for a moment.  but only a moment.  b/c then i look at these lady-like nails on these HUGE masculine, UGLY hands and think to myself, "YOU IDIOT!"  and it looks so out of place on such a drudge like me . . . and i literally just sat here and started crying b/c i truly feel like an idiot now for having done such a girly thing as my nails.  and it hits me.  like i said, i've been told all my life how beautiful i am (inside and out) and yet here i sit a 380 pound, vulgar mouthed, lazy-assed bitch who's listened to this raging, maniacal voice in her head telling her she's ugly and so forth and it hits me.  did i deliberately LET myself get in this condition b/c of "her"?  that voice?  did i somehow MAKE myself ugly b/c i was convinced i am????  how stupid is that?  i'm literally sitting her with that voice in my head SCREAMING at me - "who the fuck do you think you are?  do you think ANYONE will call you beautiful just b/c of those nails?  do you think ANYONE is impressed??  does it make you something you're soooo not to put on these nails and that make-up and flat-iron that limp, half-bald head of ridiculous hair???  do you REALLY believe that when people smile at you that they're smiling b/c they like you or think you look good at that moment?  NO!!!!  they're laughing at you, and giving you a moment of their time ONLY to be polite!''  may sound crazy but THAT'S how my head works.  and has for 40 long damn years.  it's crazy.  I'M crazy.  as a fuckin betsybug!!!!  all i can see now is a silly broad in grungy at home clothes sitting here with these nails that belong on a woman sooooo far different from me -  really marie???  over nails???? 

why won't she shut up??  why does she hate me so???  why do i care??  why do i listen??? 

i know, i know, if i hate my body so much, change it.  fix it.  lose weight.  get some vitamins to help my hair grow back and thicken up.  yeah.  easier said than done.  and yeah, i know, stop putting myself down.  stop being so hard on myself.  stop second guessing myself.  stop believing those negative thoughts and try some positives out.  i've heard the suggestion to say something positive about myself every day.  i wind up laughing or crying b/c i sound like a fool. 

somebody whack me with a two-by or something; maybe it'll knock some sense into me . . . . better yet, shoot me with a 12 guage and put me out of EVERYONE'S misery . . . (i'm NOT suicidal, just rambling - don't go there and don't worry)

i know i'm gonna get some responses to this one; things i've heard before.  and it never makes a difference.  but go ahead.  let me have it. 

huh?????

anyone else out there having racing thoughts?  anyone else able to go from cheerful to depressed in 0.6 seconds? and not know why?  i can't explain it.  but i was happy as hell a little while ago and now . . . i honestly think i'm going crazy.  i can't concentrate these days, can't remember to do what i need to do, and if i do remember, i somehow never get it done.  my thoughts are truly scrambled right now.  and bouncing like crazy in that vast cavern that is my empty skull.  i want to laugh hysterically and cry in the same breath.  once again i am feeling VERY inadequate and stooopid.  yeah, yeah, i know, build a fence and get over it.  yeah, well you bite me.  i don't seem to express myself well these days - i feel like i sound like a complete fool with any opinion i give or statement i make or action i try.  i can't seem to do anything right - i feel like i'm losing a couple of important battles and i don't want to say too much about a lot of it to anyone else b/c i'm afraid of what they might wind up saying.  in one instance, i'm afraid it will add to one person's very misplaced sense of guilt . . . and i don't want to go there.  but i'm at a loss as to how to handle one situation and it's driving me nuts to be honest.  i have a deep sense of fear hanging right over my head too and i don't know why.  nearly a dread sense.  i have a tendency to overreact about some situations simply b/c i can't control them and a HUGE tendency to worry some things to death . . . which i guess is what i'm doing.  i ramble when i speak to people.  i have one friend on facebook that i'm sure at this moment is rolling her eyes and wondering when this goofy heifer will lighten up or wake up or whatever.  you know, i had this tremendously crazy idea of writing a book.  i did well i guess for a while but i can't seem to finish.  yeah, that's normal for me.  i just don't feel like i'm doing anything good with it.  in fact, it sucks if you ask me.  i keep getting truly wonderful compliments on my writing ability but to be honest, i hate what i write.  i keep getting told i have this gift and that i SHOULD share it and so forth.  BULLSHIT.  let me say that again.  BULL-SHIT!!!!  i'm not a writer.  i'm a fat-assed goofy housewife with delusions of granduer.  now several people are gonna tell me to stop this.  and realize i AM good at writing.  and i AM a good person.  and so forth and so on.  maybe.  i doubt it.  i'm one of those people who's half-assed good at next to nothing but existing.  yeah, yeah, i hear you.  then change it.  do something about it.  quit whining.  stop putting myself down.  quit believing that screaming BITCH who is currently raging inside my head as i write this.  i can't.  that part of me is quite convincing.  she's done it for 40 years.  don't worry.  i'm not the kind of depressed that will cause me to say i want to "end it all".  no, no, no.  i like living.  i'm just not good at it.  sorry to put this out there and leave it so abruptly but i'm running out of things to say coherently.  just needed to say something i guess. . . . .