hey gooners. been an odd week or so. been a little bit of a rollercoaster for me with my feels and some tears and some harsh words (aimed SOLELY at myself and no one else) and a great deal of the tired... rearranged my iiving room, again, kicked myself in the ass, again, got one good nights sleep out of 5 or 6, and..... welcomed a grandchild!!! yes!!! our first grandbaby!! and she is a CHONK!!! not home from the  hospital yet but she will be soon. just a little bit of mostly normal "uh-oh's", nothing big or heartwrenching. been following the news bout a few current events and i could soooooo go into opinions on all that but nah. not worth the time to speak it out loud really. of course, for anyone who actually READS any of this, is you'd like a discussion, by all means i will gladly invite you to discuss!!!! anyhoo, you gooners behave. i have a little bit of chaos to get into but i will be back!!! 

 quick little side note here. went back through the old entries. got rid of some, kept a few. read em if ya want. i remembered this was  supposed to be more than just me airing my literal rambles so i will try and keep closer to the original idea and maybe dazzle you with a poem or two, or maybe a snippet of a story from time to time. 

treat each other well.

namaste

 hi, all. haven't done this in quite a while so bear with me. i need to go back and read through my past posts but i will do that later. i just need to go with this one today. and on that note...

i used to be good at saying what i needed to say. a little too good at it, to be honest. and a good percentage of the time i really should have just kept my mouth shut. but i'm only human... i can't or don't say a lot these days because i'm afraid of pissing people off or causing hurt to someone. part of me knows deep down that it doesn't matter to an extent. that i shouldn't compromise on who i am or what i believe just to "keep peace". but i've always been someone who was afraid of people not liking me. hate to admit that but it's true. when i was younger it was VERY true. oh, i had opinions and had a habit of voicing them. problem was, i usually did it at a not so opportune moment and wound up embarrassed, belittled, put in my place, or told i was stupid. compound that with a parent who told me constantly that my feelings, opinions, and beliefs were either wrong or sinful and it's no wonder i'm now 51 and constantly arguing with myself, trying to validate my opinions and beliefs, feeling happy and encouraged when someone agrees with me or immediately feeling like i am wrong and have only shown my stupidity by speaking (and am now afraid i have either hurt the other person or made them angry).  it's tiresome to always be so worried about being diplomatic or trying to couch my words in such a way as to avoid anything negative in the conversation. i can be brutally honest with my husband. i can be the same with my sister. but pretty much EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET? no. how does one gain the confidence to truly be themselves and would y'all PLEASE point me in the right direction? why do i feel the need to constantly try and emulate the "ideal" person? what i mean by that is, for example, the character of Melanie in Gone with the Wind, she always had a kind word for everyone. she seemed to see something good in every soul she met, every situation she faced. are there really people like that out there? i think so. i want to believe there are. is it wrong of me to want to be that? to truly live with grace, kindness, respect, for everyone and everything around me? or am i wishful thinking? am i still trying to be "good"? as in the taught notion that i am inherently "bad" and need to spend my every waking moment in shame and begging for forgiveness and grace? so many questions, so many fears, so many twists and blocks. i want to be able to say right here, right now, WHO i am. the problem is, i have no idea...   help.

today's rambling...

well, woke up this morning feeling alright. no real pain anywhere, stiff places stiff as usual, bladder full, little dog squeaking her need to "gopee", snores coming from the rest of the house.... finally got the BIG boy roused and moving, got the other 2 awake and went on to get my shower. now all clean and fully awake and sitting on the bed in my robe, dale off to take his own shower, and ... ... ... i hear a buzz. took me a minute to figure out the noise and i realized it  was Dale's phone. his cell phone. the one that he has pretty much PERMANENTLY in his damn hands unless he sets it down on the center console of a truck ( and he doesn't like to drive so most of the time the phone is in his hands then too), the phone that he CLAIMS never rings or doesn't do anything at all when i call or text or message him when he's out and doing whatever!!!!! okay, he will answer it when he's on his way to work out in west Texas but ONLY because the fucking thing is synced to his damn truck!!!!!!!!! otherwise, forget it!!!!!! he ain't answering nothing!!!! mostly because that stupid phone is on vibrate or silent. so. when i heard this noise and realized it was his phone, my very first reaction was one of mild anger because it proved my point the he didn't hear me calling him the day before because he COULDN'T hear the damn thing. he's more hard of hearing than i am and i have tinnitus in BOTH ears!!!!!  IF by some chance his phone is on the counter or whathaveyou here at the house and it goes off, WE have to yell at him to answer his phone because he truly cannot hear it!!!!! so!! why not just leave the phones ringtone on all the time??????? i mean, you go through the bother of choosing one you like on the preprogrammed ones or you make a point of finding some on zedge that you can download and use for whatever and sometimes you even set certain ones to certain contacts in your phone. so then WHY turn the volume off????????? ok. i can understand doing it for when you are in a very public place and maybe you don't want to call attention to yourself. but hey. you can usually FEEL the fucking thing vibrate because it's most likely on your person during this time ... or maybe you're at a function where you need phones on silent, like a recital or a graduation or wedding/funeral or maybe just in a church service.... and here's where my brain took off and totally left ground zero and did it's routine dance of overthink, go off on 42 elevendy different tangents... i was still considering where one might need to have a cell phone on silent, like during a church service, which led into yeah but not at my old church - folks had a habit of going through our parking lot even while mass was being said on a saturday evening or sunday morning and breaking into vehicles to steal cell phones.... which led to my thinking that the neighborhood wasn't bad, it was just desperate people doing such things, which went into thinking about one of my favorite and somehow my most disliked priests we had at st. joe, fr. matthew, and hearing his question to me once about did i know "what" lived in the neighborhood around the church which garnered a look from me that shut him up and i have since thought of sooooooooo many comebacks to his little innocent question, such as "yeah, the very poor and displaced people YOU are supposed to be ministering to" or something similar which then sent my brain into i don't know how many tangents at once thinking about our obligations as human beings to other people, fr. matthew, the catholic church, the people who live near the church, mansfield as a whole, to me then feeling guilty about thinking a bit judgy about fr. matthew and mansfield and church and .... yeah. and eventually i had to bring myself back to the moment and get dressed so i could make a run and get the dogs' flick & tea medicine with a surly 18 year old who was a bit pissed that she couldn't drive this morning and so forth and so on...  i wish i knew how to corral the thoughts into some sort of cohesion more often. maybe this can become one way. although, you'd think this would be a bit of a broken record considering i have seventy-twelve journals around here and can't seem to make myself write in them on a regular basis. oh i am a bundle of "wtf". but hey. assholes like me are needed too....

💓

and.... yeah

title of this blog is "thoughts from a scrambled brain" and yeah, today is a definitely a scrambled one. not a bad one, just scrambled. so many things that need doing, plenty of time to do a lot of them, no gumption to do them alone. trying to get help from others who live in this house is sometimes like trying to catch a sand in a spoon full of holes. and just as frustrating. i mean, they live here too. would it fucking kill them to take some initiative and do what they see NEEDS doing without the mother figure going apeshit and using all sorts of colorful language hoping it will give those others motivation to move?? i mean, we're talking about grown ups here!!!! yes, the others who reside in this hacienda are (NOT counting the other 47 year old) 23, 21, and 18. granted the 23 year old is mostly living with his current girlfriend but still, GROWN FUCKERS! and yet not a single one of them can do anything without me going off the deep end and turning into a raging banshee! then they ALL have the nerve to be fucking surprised???  and THEN i wind up feeling guilty for being a bitch????? NO!!! when the monkeys were 5, i could understand and didn't complain much about being the only person on two feet who could accomplish keeping a home presentable. but goddamnit!!!! they're not 5 anymore!!!! and i DID teach them better!!!! yes, i am one lazy ass bitch some days. yes, i have trouble even walking some days. yes, that is ALLLLLLLLL my own fault!!!!! (and i DON'T need that thrown back in my face, Mr. 23 year old. i know this better than you do and i am trying to do something about that as well and being thwarted half the time there too....)HOWEVER!!!!! you grown fuckers are still living totally off of the one person who has provided all this for you!!! (your father is has been the sole breadwinner in this house so you OWE him)and you don't seem to care that you're being disrespectful to HIM more than anyone by not doing your part to make sure that what he's provided for you is nice, comfy, clean, and happy when he is able to be here in it. but no. you wait until i blow up and sigh and huff and puff and act like it's just going to KILL you to do anything i ask, then you half assed do whatever it was i asked you to do or you fart around and make sure you don't do it at all!!! but yet i sit back and wind up feeling guilty for being a loud, obnoxious bitch and thinking that yeah, i would NOT want to have to deal with me either when honestly ANY other mom in the world would do, is doing, and has done the very same thing for the very same reasons!!! so your dad, who is home against his will, jumps in and tries to help as best he can doing chores he has NO business doing (because you should have done it!) and winds up doing most of it himself because phones and video games are soooooooo much more important!!!! (you might miss a notification on bacefook, or snampchamp, or twat, or instafuck!!! god forbid!!!!!) there are things that need to happen every day around here that don't. there are things that YOU should want to see done just so YOU can have a little pride in our home and surroundings just in case someone decides to drop by and visit or something. there are things that you should just fucking do because they need doing even if you are not the one who made the mess or used the dish or glass, or just because the floors look better clear, or the catbox is nicer when it has ONLY clean litter in it or whatever. especially when my scrambled brain is trying to deal with all this and the reason dad is home against his will and hoping our finances will hold up during this mess, and trying to remember who needs to be where on what day and time for whatever kind of appointment, and trying to remember what we need from the grocery store (and what we DON'T need), or what bills i have to pay this week or who needs money for what, and which friends i have been a friend to this week and whom i haven't spoken to (and i'm sorry!), to worrying over my half-brother who just lost his mother this past week, to worrying about other people who've been through a much rougher week or month than i have and then feeling guilty for not having enough to give to them to make their lives a little easier for just a few minutes, to knowing that sometimes all it takes to do just that is say something kind or what have you and feeling like a dummy for thinking i will say the wrong thing, to thinking that i have to justify every fucking decision i've made in the past week to someone (mostly my mother) even though i know i don't, to wondering if i HAVE made some really stupid decisions this past week, to being afraid of my own karma catching up to me over something i've done or said or even thought somewhere along the line of my 47 years and is that karma going to bite me in the ass today, to this and to that and to this other and... yeah.😫😫

this kind of day...

this has been one of those days. not only are the energies of the universe changing and settling into a new cycle/routine but my home is upside down six ways to sunday. hubby is STILL home after being "off" due to a lack of work and then an upset to his knee, which is now requiring an MRI among other things, we bought our daughter a truck VERY CHEAP that ran fine until about 12 hours after we bought it - seems to be a problem with a sensor, nothing big - and to top all this off, i went and broke the kitchen faucet today, which you know automatically means seventy-twelve times the amount of work it should require to simply replace it. naturally we have to replace four thousand other pieces of 40+ year old bad plumbing that seemingly had nothing to do with the part that broke but seems to have something to do with the greater cosmic feng shui of the damp, underdepths of a kitchen sink. don'tcha just love this kind of day....

😆

wondering

who are we
why are we
where are we
what are we and why do we need to be anything
where do we fit
why do we want to fit
differences, similarities, shared ideals and opposite ideals
feelings, emotions, notions and potions
things we tell ourselves to get through, get by, get laid, get what we want
big, little, tall, small
gay, straight, fat, skinny
ugly, beautiful, intelligent or not
disabled, diseased, disfigured, disconnected, discontent
tattooed, pierced, showy, dowdy, frumpy, flashy, trashy
God fearing, God disbelieving
sexual, asexual, oversexed
falling into places, norms, classes, monetary,cultural and racial classifications
and begging to be let out, to get out, to run and be free
looking, searching, reaching, stretching
finding and binding ourselves to perceived and expected boundaries
loving, hating
understanding, refusal to see or believe
categories beyond numbers
all of us trying to be as many as we can
wanting to be none of them
saying one thing, doing another, doing ONE another
questions, questions, questions
answers by the millions, billions
and none of them what we want or expect
whos, whats, whens, wheres, whys, hows
trying please everyone and everything and pleasing nothing and no one
bombarded by "you must", "you will", "you have to"
fall in, fall down, fall behind
confusion, delusion, contradiction, hypocrisy
everything building and heaping and leaping, spinning and turning, growing bigger, bigger, bigger in our minds and hearts to the point of explosive overflowing ....
wondering

sanity

title of this particular post may not quite "match" the BS I 'm probably about to spout and I may use it again down the road, so beware.  BUT, I am going to try (as of today), to make this blog a weekly thing.  for me and for you. for me, so I can maybe get some of the clutter OUT of my head, sort it, see it from a different view (with your help), you know.  kind of a cathartic release on my end.  and for you purely for entertainment.  yeah, I see you sitting there going "OMG!! NO!!"  "how much can one daffy heifer spout?!"  hey.  you're reading it so who's the daffy-er one!!  anyhoo, that being said, I had been kinda stewing on what topic I might broach first and I kept coming up with decent thoughts but to be honest, right now it's all a massive jumble in there and what I WAS gonna sound off about is looking a bit flat to me right now so I tried going back to another something that had caught my attention in the last few days, only I don't know quite how to approach that one either, and then all these thoughts go spinning and flying around in my head to the point where I begin to question my own sanity because nothing I say makes any sense.  damn that was a long ass sentence.  see?  THAT should tell you my sanity is definitely in question.   well, if this blog thing works out, believe me when I say you will most surely question more than my sanity from time to time as I  am sure I will go from pleasant to asshole in 0.5 seconds and back again.  I will whine from time to time, bitch and moan about how unfair things are or how my anxiety has taken over again (as it is trying to do at this very moment) or how I want to strangle my offspring one day to "loving them so much!" the next.  be prepared to shake your head and go "what the hell is she smoking today?"  which by the way, I OFFICIALLY have had to quit smoking for once and all.  for good.  it's helping keep my vertigo flaring and I kinda don't like that swimmy-headed, fuzzy feeling.  so good-bye Marlboro's.  ok.  OK!!! stop clapping and cheering now!!!!  ok.  where was I?  oh yeah.  I may say things that will offend or make you angry and if I do, please have the balls to let me know.  I am not perfect and definitely do NOT know everything (although sometimes I am convinced I do - hey!  I'm human.)
so I will say things that not everyone agrees with.  just please know that I by no means expect everyone to agree with me either.  and I like it that way.  and if you really want to know just how much to question my sanity, I am listening to Christmas music as I write this.  just because I wanna.  Amy Grant to be specific.  gimmie 5 minutes and it'll be Rob Zombie ....... yeah.  hang on and come with if you're brave enough. 

forgiveness . . .

how do you forgive yourself?  when does the self-loathing stop?  WHY has it ALWAYS been your fault??  for everything?  how do you spend nearly most of your life trying to win the unconditional affections of a man who will never do this?  how do you NOT spend all your life wondering what you did for him to push you away and never let you back in?  or try to be as perfect as you could at EVERYTHING so he'd love you?  and know in your heart that if you hadn't fucked up he would?  to believe that he finds you ugly and disgusting and never good enough?

  how do you NOT claim full responsibility for the not one, not two but 5 - FIVE! - men who harmed you physically?  and you can't even remember the first one b/c you've completely blocked it out of your concious memory???  how do you NOT blame yourself for EACH and every time they brushed against you or pinched you or bit, grabbed and twisted flesh hard enough to leave bruises?  or even held you down and took what they wanted and then convinced you to allow it to happen again?????? 
when do you stop kicking yourself for putting yourself in the position to be harmed? 

or wondering if you always did all you could in every situation?  wondering if you were resentful or wrongly angry or aggravated?  wondering if you really DID do all you could to make things bearable for the person dying in front of you?  how can you be sooooo stubborn as to BELIEVE you're right and everyone else is wrong?  and be so determined to prove them wrong?  how do you know if you truly tried hard enough?  when do you stop wondering if God in Heaven will forgive you for not being a better caretaker or mom or wife or child or sibling or whatever? 

HOW can you feel your soul is good?  HOW can you believe those words that others use to describe you?  HOW do you make that raging, screaming, vicious, hateful voice go to Hell where she belongs and stay there?  HOW do you look in a mirror and NOT hate what you see?  and i don't mean your looks - i mean how do you NOT see the monster inside?  the darkness that hovers and grows and squeezes and tells you how you could have prevented EVERY harmful situation by simply not putting yourself there in the first place? 

when did that constant fear set in?  fear of not being good enough or not doing it right (whatever IT is) or of being the perpetual JOKE of everyone around you?  because you're fat and stupid?  (or you THINK you're stupid b/c you're not "worldly" or so-called educated?)  how do you choke that fear down and get rid of it?  esp. when you're 40 and it's so familiar???  damn near comfortable?  when it becomes easier and easier to simply shrink away from the world b/c you're too afraid and severly self-concious to be what others say is there?  or think you could be if you'd let go?

how do you find that "thing" to BELIEVE IN inside yourself without feeling vain or self-promoting or uppity?? 

how many times can you ask yourself ALL these questions, hear the answers from people who love you and STILL be so blind and ignorant?



PLEASE DON'T answer or comment to this one - i just needed to vent.  i just needed to see this in writing, to get it out. 

"wonder why the crazy bitch linked it then" huh . . .

self hate . . .

i'm sitting here w/tears in my eyes and racing thoughts once again. it's one AM and i need to be in the bed but i'm sitting here thinking too much.  wanna hear this one?  really?  i have to tell you i amaze myself.  i'm sure those of you who know me get tired of my insulting myself or not realizing/seeing what all of you see or whatever. 

you know i've been told all my life just how beautiful i am.  and i think you're all full of bullshit.  really.  this gets compounded just a few moments ago when i took a good look at the french manicure nails i gave myself earlier.  see, part of me does this with the nails b/c it makes me feel almost pretty for a moment.  but only a moment.  b/c then i look at these lady-like nails on these HUGE masculine, UGLY hands and think to myself, "YOU IDIOT!"  and it looks so out of place on such a drudge like me . . . and i literally just sat here and started crying b/c i truly feel like an idiot now for having done such a girly thing as my nails.  and it hits me.  like i said, i've been told all my life how beautiful i am (inside and out) and yet here i sit a 380 pound, vulgar mouthed, lazy-assed bitch who's listened to this raging, maniacal voice in her head telling her she's ugly and so forth and it hits me.  did i deliberately LET myself get in this condition b/c of "her"?  that voice?  did i somehow MAKE myself ugly b/c i was convinced i am????  how stupid is that?  i'm literally sitting her with that voice in my head SCREAMING at me - "who the fuck do you think you are?  do you think ANYONE will call you beautiful just b/c of those nails?  do you think ANYONE is impressed??  does it make you something you're soooo not to put on these nails and that make-up and flat-iron that limp, half-bald head of ridiculous hair???  do you REALLY believe that when people smile at you that they're smiling b/c they like you or think you look good at that moment?  NO!!!!  they're laughing at you, and giving you a moment of their time ONLY to be polite!''  may sound crazy but THAT'S how my head works.  and has for 40 long damn years.  it's crazy.  I'M crazy.  as a fuckin betsybug!!!!  all i can see now is a silly broad in grungy at home clothes sitting here with these nails that belong on a woman sooooo far different from me -  really marie???  over nails???? 

why won't she shut up??  why does she hate me so???  why do i care??  why do i listen??? 

i know, i know, if i hate my body so much, change it.  fix it.  lose weight.  get some vitamins to help my hair grow back and thicken up.  yeah.  easier said than done.  and yeah, i know, stop putting myself down.  stop being so hard on myself.  stop second guessing myself.  stop believing those negative thoughts and try some positives out.  i've heard the suggestion to say something positive about myself every day.  i wind up laughing or crying b/c i sound like a fool. 

somebody whack me with a two-by or something; maybe it'll knock some sense into me . . . . better yet, shoot me with a 12 guage and put me out of EVERYONE'S misery . . . (i'm NOT suicidal, just rambling - don't go there and don't worry)

i know i'm gonna get some responses to this one; things i've heard before.  and it never makes a difference.  but go ahead.  let me have it. 

huh?????

anyone else out there having racing thoughts?  anyone else able to go from cheerful to depressed in 0.6 seconds? and not know why?  i can't explain it.  but i was happy as hell a little while ago and now . . . i honestly think i'm going crazy.  i can't concentrate these days, can't remember to do what i need to do, and if i do remember, i somehow never get it done.  my thoughts are truly scrambled right now.  and bouncing like crazy in that vast cavern that is my empty skull.  i want to laugh hysterically and cry in the same breath.  once again i am feeling VERY inadequate and stooopid.  yeah, yeah, i know, build a fence and get over it.  yeah, well you bite me.  i don't seem to express myself well these days - i feel like i sound like a complete fool with any opinion i give or statement i make or action i try.  i can't seem to do anything right - i feel like i'm losing a couple of important battles and i don't want to say too much about a lot of it to anyone else b/c i'm afraid of what they might wind up saying.  in one instance, i'm afraid it will add to one person's very misplaced sense of guilt . . . and i don't want to go there.  but i'm at a loss as to how to handle one situation and it's driving me nuts to be honest.  i have a deep sense of fear hanging right over my head too and i don't know why.  nearly a dread sense.  i have a tendency to overreact about some situations simply b/c i can't control them and a HUGE tendency to worry some things to death . . . which i guess is what i'm doing.  i ramble when i speak to people.  i have one friend on facebook that i'm sure at this moment is rolling her eyes and wondering when this goofy heifer will lighten up or wake up or whatever.  you know, i had this tremendously crazy idea of writing a book.  i did well i guess for a while but i can't seem to finish.  yeah, that's normal for me.  i just don't feel like i'm doing anything good with it.  in fact, it sucks if you ask me.  i keep getting truly wonderful compliments on my writing ability but to be honest, i hate what i write.  i keep getting told i have this gift and that i SHOULD share it and so forth.  BULLSHIT.  let me say that again.  BULL-SHIT!!!!  i'm not a writer.  i'm a fat-assed goofy housewife with delusions of granduer.  now several people are gonna tell me to stop this.  and realize i AM good at writing.  and i AM a good person.  and so forth and so on.  maybe.  i doubt it.  i'm one of those people who's half-assed good at next to nothing but existing.  yeah, yeah, i hear you.  then change it.  do something about it.  quit whining.  stop putting myself down.  quit believing that screaming BITCH who is currently raging inside my head as i write this.  i can't.  that part of me is quite convincing.  she's done it for 40 years.  don't worry.  i'm not the kind of depressed that will cause me to say i want to "end it all".  no, no, no.  i like living.  i'm just not good at it.  sorry to put this out there and leave it so abruptly but i'm running out of things to say coherently.  just needed to say something i guess. . . . .