hey gooners. been an odd week or so. been a little bit of a rollercoaster for me with my feels and some tears and some harsh words (aimed SOLELY at myself and no one else) and a great deal of the tired... rearranged my iiving room, again, kicked myself in the ass, again, got one good nights sleep out of 5 or 6, and..... welcomed a grandchild!!! yes!!! our first grandbaby!! and she is a CHONK!!! not home from the  hospital yet but she will be soon. just a little bit of mostly normal "uh-oh's", nothing big or heartwrenching. been following the news bout a few current events and i could soooooo go into opinions on all that but nah. not worth the time to speak it out loud really. of course, for anyone who actually READS any of this, is you'd like a discussion, by all means i will gladly invite you to discuss!!!! anyhoo, you gooners behave. i have a little bit of chaos to get into but i will be back!!! 

 quick little side note here. went back through the old entries. got rid of some, kept a few. read em if ya want. i remembered this was  supposed to be more than just me airing my literal rambles so i will try and keep closer to the original idea and maybe dazzle you with a poem or two, or maybe a snippet of a story from time to time. 

treat each other well.

namaste

 hi, all. haven't done this in quite a while so bear with me. i need to go back and read through my past posts but i will do that later. i just need to go with this one today. and on that note...

i used to be good at saying what i needed to say. a little too good at it, to be honest. and a good percentage of the time i really should have just kept my mouth shut. but i'm only human... i can't or don't say a lot these days because i'm afraid of pissing people off or causing hurt to someone. part of me knows deep down that it doesn't matter to an extent. that i shouldn't compromise on who i am or what i believe just to "keep peace". but i've always been someone who was afraid of people not liking me. hate to admit that but it's true. when i was younger it was VERY true. oh, i had opinions and had a habit of voicing them. problem was, i usually did it at a not so opportune moment and wound up embarrassed, belittled, put in my place, or told i was stupid. compound that with a parent who told me constantly that my feelings, opinions, and beliefs were either wrong or sinful and it's no wonder i'm now 51 and constantly arguing with myself, trying to validate my opinions and beliefs, feeling happy and encouraged when someone agrees with me or immediately feeling like i am wrong and have only shown my stupidity by speaking (and am now afraid i have either hurt the other person or made them angry).  it's tiresome to always be so worried about being diplomatic or trying to couch my words in such a way as to avoid anything negative in the conversation. i can be brutally honest with my husband. i can be the same with my sister. but pretty much EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET? no. how does one gain the confidence to truly be themselves and would y'all PLEASE point me in the right direction? why do i feel the need to constantly try and emulate the "ideal" person? what i mean by that is, for example, the character of Melanie in Gone with the Wind, she always had a kind word for everyone. she seemed to see something good in every soul she met, every situation she faced. are there really people like that out there? i think so. i want to believe there are. is it wrong of me to want to be that? to truly live with grace, kindness, respect, for everyone and everything around me? or am i wishful thinking? am i still trying to be "good"? as in the taught notion that i am inherently "bad" and need to spend my every waking moment in shame and begging for forgiveness and grace? so many questions, so many fears, so many twists and blocks. i want to be able to say right here, right now, WHO i am. the problem is, i have no idea...   help.