Tuesday, February 11, 2014

power

not even sure if I should write this particular blog, don't know why I feel the need to "say" anything but I tend to write when I have something blaring in my messed-up brain and if don't get this down in front of my eyes, i'll just worry it till it festers ... and then ...

POWER!!!!!!!

I guess I really mean CONTROL in a way.  see, I've learned over the course of my sad existence that I am a control freak.  really.  I get pissed sooooooo quickly at ALL the wrong things (usually myself and something I have done/am doing).  my family has more or less learned to deal with it; dale to the extent that he just gives me that sigh, the one that says he's mentally giving me a pat on the head and saying "it's all right.  she's just uptight.", the kids just RUN.  FAST.  I am so convinced they will all 3 wind up in therapy one day telling some "doctor" how pitifully NUTS their mother was ... I just have a hard time dealing with things that don't go the way they did in my head.  yeah, that's what I said.  IN MY HEAD.  which honestly is the ONE PLACE NO ONE should EVER venture.  that's not just a maze in there, it's a fucking PRISON!!  I should know.  I've been trapped in it for 42 years.  and a lot of the time, it is THE horror house supreme!!!!  and when those things don't go the way I think they should I tend to get pissy.  like I said, mostly with myself.  and yet ... I can show the most exasperating patience at the oddest times.  exasperating for others that is.  gee marie, contradictory much??? 


anyway, this control thing ... here's where this blog is going places I really don't need to share but will for the sake of "getting my thoughts straight" (ain't THAT a laugh!!!)

I was the victim of not one, not two but at least FOUR men's sexual "dominance" in my life.  between the ages of 10 and 19.  it's highly possible there may have been one other even younger than the age of 10 by some sudden shocking thoughts but if there was I have blocked it out.  just like what I know was mostly likely the first incident.  I don't remember it.  I was asked a few years ago by a family member if I did (she was afraid I had been angry with her or blamed her all those years) and my answer I think surprised her.  I do NOT remember what happened.  I don't think I want to if I've blocked it out that effectively.  I can remember the afternoon before and the day after but not that night in particular.  wow.  and then to be "harassed" by two others in the next few years ... well ... one of them was constant until I finally just said "don't".  I was sick and scared and so damned ashamed of it for so long THEN made myself even sicker and MORE ashamed when I just said "DON'T" and it STOPPED.  wow.  that was ALL it took?  then to develop a "crush" of sorts on the other, encourage his attention, GET his attention then be terrified when I got it??  well, he physically hurt me.  THAT was NOT what I was encouraging.  and I was only 13.  and not the brightest crayon in the box.  (but still colorful - hee hee!) that encounter REALLY scared me.  I was already plagued with nightmares, this just made them worse. 

then, little old daffy me, the crazy heifer with NO dating experience (well, not much anyway) gets to college and makes the mistake of getting caught up in attention from a guy who wound up putting me in the one position I feared most.  flat on my back and under his control.  oops!!!  I was an idiot screaming for attention and didn't know how to go about getting it the RIGHT way.  and he took his shot.  and then some.  Pain?  oh yes.  there was pain.  physical pain that night that took my breath away.  but the pain that's remained in my heart and soul has been so much worse. 

now all of this has a reason to be "OUT THERE".  I was sitting in my room the other day, lost in ridiculous thought (as is often the case) having read something that made me wonder WHY girls/women who are sexually abused tend to become promiscuous.  and they/we do.  yes, I started down a path that could have become so dark and ugly it could have eaten me alive.  thank God in heaven and my husband Dale it didn't.  but those of us who find ourselves at the mercy and CONTROL of someone else's sexual hang-ups DO tend to start screwing everything in sight.  or trying to.  or making people believe we will.  and i kept wondering why as i sat there ...

and SLAP!!!  it hit me.  it is a CONTROL thing.  when you're in that position, some man (or woman as the case may be) is fondling you, petting you, brushing against you, saying raunchy things to you, offering to DO things to you or begging YOU to do things to them (and smiling when they say "you'll love it") ALL YOUR CONTROL GOES OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW!!!! every ounce.  fear and shame take over and you allow yourself to be completely dominated, humiliated and used in the worst way possible.  and I'm only talking about those encounters where it's NOT forced.  if it's an encounter where anger and force are used, where someone SCARES THE PISS OUT OF YOU and FORCES you to do what they want ... oh blue hell.  i AM grateful that never happened to me ... but it did happen to someone i love very much and sometimes i would like to break the offenders neck!!!  I'm just talking about those people who use honey to catch the flies.  where you really don't realize that first innocent brush of the hand was not so innocent.  or that weird lump you feel when you get a hug is not quite a raging hard-on but could be in seconds.  or that hand slips up during that hug and pinches the nipple so quickly you may have even missed it's happening at that moment.  or the innuendo spoken in a hushed voice with their eyes literally crawling all over you.  your control, your resolve, hell even your good sense just goes "bye bye"!  and the longer it happens, the more your control diminishes until you find yourself just going along with whatever as if it's normal.  and you know damn well it's not.  you begin to hate yourself (as well as the offender), you wait for incident to happen just to get it out of the way! 

and somewhere along the line ... somehow ... it turns on you.  and you being to LOOK for that kind of attention.  and you begin to EXPECT that kind of attention.  and you start wanting that kind of attention.  from every man.  because you mistakenly believe that's the ONLY way to get ANY kind of attention.  oh hell. 

and i sat there and it hit me.  literally. you do it because you want the CONTROL.  YOU want to be the one who calls the shots.  YOU want to be one who dominates the situation.  even though you KNOW in the back of your screwy mind somewhere that you STILL are the one being used.  you think you can make it happen on YOUR terms now though.  you can have the upper hand.  HA!!!  are you KIDDING???  control.  you hit on the guys instead of waiting to be hit on.  you pour yourself all over them, flirt (if you can call it that), tease, tell them just what you think they want to hear, spread your legs and let them have at it because you THINK you're in control of the situation.  because you WANT control of the situation.  because somewhere along the line it left and you want it back.  you lose all self-respect, pride and CONTROL over and over because you mistakenly believe it's the only thing you can do. 

control.  funny word if you keep saying it over and over.  but that's what it boils down to.  those men had all the control years ago and ha ha ha.  it hit me that they still did.  because i had suffered the nightmares and night terrors for all those long years.  i had cried when no one knew.  i had been so ashamed and embarrassed.  (THEY SURE AS HELL WEREN'T).  i had allowed their abuse to take me over completely.  i lost myself and at some point didn't even care.  i chased the boys (and later the men).  i made suggestions and offers that would make st. peter blush.  i said things and did things and let myself get caught up "oh!  i got your attention!  now to keep it!"  and did i?  no.  do most "victims"?  no.  because even though i THOUGHT i was now in control of the situation(s) i wasn't.  did they screw me and go?  in a couple of cases, yes.  is that the norm?  yes.  you have one of the most precious gifts you are given and can give perverted and destroyed and you find yourself using that very gift against yourself.  you don't like the way it makes you feel when someone is caressing you or fondling you when you DIDN'T ask for it but you wind up begging for that very behavior later on because it's somehow become the norm in your thinking.  you need to be one holding the power and control. 

and you don't know how to do it.  but you keep trying.  and keep allowing them to screw you.  literally and figuratively.  oh yeah, there's a modicum of sexual pleasure in it. it physically feels good.  mostly.  ok, damn near all the time.  so you keep doing it!!!  never realizing what exactly you're doing!  not stopping to think about the fact that for most men (sorry guys, i don't mean to be harsh or cruel) it strictly IS all about the physical pleasure.  excuse me for saying this but a man will pretty much stick his dick into ANYTHING.  because sex for them IS so physical.  women tend to need and get more out of sex emotionally.  but emotions don't come into play by this point.  we just want the attention.  and we get it however we can.  we do it with the hope of getting the emotional side yes, but mostly we do it to regain the power and control.  and we are let down time after time (by ourselves) because we give the physical and get nothing back.  he picks you up in the bar or whatever situation you find yourself in, takes you somewhere (maybe just the back seat of his car) fucks you, and NEVER sees you again. 

and you repeat this behavior (some of us for YEARS) until you wake up and realize it has NOTHING to do with sex at ALL.  it's the missing, warped, crushed, damaged parts of you that cry out so loud to get back the control, the power, the innocence, the happiness you lost the first time someone misused all the good things in you.  you do it to try and lift that darkness out, to bring the light back, to repair the hurt, the anger, the shame, the fear.  and you fail.  but kudos for determination!!  (ok, so that wasn't funny.)

control.  power.  i have let these men that took those wonderful parts of me and warped/destroyed them have just that all these years.  wow.  i sat there and was dumbfounded.  really?  had i really been that lost?  i have said i forgave these men long ago.  and i meant it i thought.  i have forgiven them.  they did me wrong yes, but they had something somewhere in them that wasn't right and didn't know how to change it or handle it.  and even if they did and didn't seem to care at the time, they were under the power of something stronger than the good that i believe was there too.  i have forgiven them, yes.  but have i ever forgiven ME?  i don't know.  i don't think so.  to be honest, i don't know if i can.  it sounds to much like excusing any bad choices i made later.  "oh, i can't be blamed for wanting to hump everything in sight.  i can't be blamed for deliberately making an unwise decision where men are concerned.  i was not in my right mind."  yeah.  right.  i made those choices and there is NEVER an excuse for doing wrong.  BUT i can understand WHY i made those choices.  and i can understand why other women (or men - there are cases of women being the abusers too!) make those choices.  it doesn't excuse our behavior but it does explain it.  we're given a choice we should never have to make.  we're put into situations in which we have no voice, no choice, no understanding.  and it changes our thinking. 

guess it's time to change my thinking again.  and realize that i can (and have been able to) take the power and control BACK.  that i don't have to let those memories rule my thinking about myself or sex or love.  or my warped ideas of all three.  that i let those men and their actions rule me when they shouldn't have.  that the way to GET the control and the power back was to say "ok.  you showed me the wrong way to do things, you HURT me, you damaged me to some point.  but I DON'T have to let you or your actions dominate my life!"  i can let go.  took me long enough eh?  well, some of us don't get the point on the first try. 

sexual abuse victims tend to become promiscuous.  yes.  sexual abuse victims tend to become harsh and jaded.  yes.  sexual abuse victims tend to lose themselves.  yes.  sexual abuse victims tend to make unwise choices.  yes.  sexual abuse victims tend to let their shame and guilt bleed into every other facet of their lives.  yes.  sexual abuse victims tend to slowly lose control and power over themselves.  yes.  and desperately try to get it back.  yes.  and we can. sometimes it takes us years of heartache and attempts but we can .  I'm learning how to do just that.  maybe i'll make it.