Friday, September 28, 2012

no dreams

just another stooopid rant just in case anybody actually reads this shit.  in one of those moods i guess.  see, sometimes i reaaaaalllly get bothered by the fact that i am mundane.  normal.  (YEAH RIGHT!! AS IF!!!)  boring.  (BIG TIME BUDDY!!!)  ho hum.  blah.  oh, yeah, i can behave funny, tell a good joke or two but i'm BORING.  and feeling pretty damn useless and irritated right now.  see, i'm one of those people with not just bad luck, we're talking NO LUCK AT ALL.  none.  zip.  zilch.  nada.  EVERYTHING i try that goes anywhere beyond just being mundane blows up in my face.  and at 41, i'm damn tired of trying.  i just wonder WHY.  WHY other people can go back to school and EVERYTHING goes against me if i even MENTION it.  WHY other people can chase a hobby turned livelyhood and i never get anywhere if i try.  WHY it seems like EVERYONE around me can do something, ANYTHING that goes beyond the simple, necessary, daily routine but if i speak as though i'd like to jump out of that box, fate or whatever you want to call it LAUGHS at me and makes damn sure i don't have to just jump hoops but hit a brick wall no matter what i do!!!!!  no matter what it is!!!!!  i don't believe in dreams b/c for me they don't exist.  they never have and never will.  i seriously get funny looks and always have if i EVER said i wanted to do something like write or sing or whatever.  now, to defend my current "life status", DON'T get me wrong.  i LOVE being a wife and mother.  but damnit what if i wanted just a little something for ME?????  just one small thing?  i'll never get it and i guess i just have to accept that.  and right now i don't want to.  you may think i'm joking but i'm not.  i can't even get into a simple vo-tech school so forget a REAL university type thing.  i'd like to write something.  but if i say that out loud, oh you should SEE the reactions.  they're all like "yeah, right.  keep pretending."  oh, people read some of my drivel and say it's good or whatever but better than half of those who know i want to write something give me the textbook "encouragement" to my face then laugh like crazy behind my back.  and they don't think i know it but i do.  and truth is, THEY ARE RIGHT!!!  i can't get a hobby to develop into anything - not art or photography or baking or jewelery - you know, FUN STUFF.  no, for me it's make a half-assed piece of junk or paint a canvas that looks like a 4 year old did it or NEVER have the money to even spare towards doing something fun.  i keep hearing "but you're good at this/that/whatever!"  "keep doing it and see where it goes!"  or the most famous one, "just DO it!"  yeah.  right.  do what???  do WHAT???  what can i do???  everything works against me if i try.  and i do mean EVERYTHING.  so, i quit.  i'll just be boring and mundane and smile when i'm supposed to and remain stuck in my rut.  i'll continue to INSIST my children have dreams and push to get there.  i'll continue to support EVERYONE i can who IS pursuing their dreams and i will mean it when i say i'm happy for them because i truly will be.  guess somebody has to be the permanent, proverbial cheerleader for everyone else and that lot fell to me.  guess i'm supposed to be happy with the knowledge that i can be an encourager and a supporter to others and not worry about my own wishes or desires.  and that will have to be ok. 

sorry to be such a sour puss.  i just hate me right now.