Wednesday, June 13, 2012

been a minute since i was here.  sorry.  didn't mean to ignore you.  really.  just haven't thought of anything to write.  well, take that back.  TONS of stuff to write, just no way to get the words out.  you know how it goes.  anyhoo, been not quite myself lately.  but this is a good thing.  b/c it means there are changes afoot.  and they're kinda weird for me.  but i hope they'll stick.  this time.  see, my lovely, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL, buttheaded sister posted a photo of me about a month ago on FB.  a FULL LENGTH photo of me in ALL my "massive" glory.  and for a split second i was pissed.  well, embarrassed really.  very embarrassed.  b/c i don't allow such things of myself.  I'M HUGE.  and don't want everyone to see.  or know.  like i can hide such a thing.  BUT the damn thing actually turned into a blessing in disguise.  mostly b/c the photo was flattering.  yeah.  flattering.  NOT ugly or grotesque.  there was a "discussion" had by my sis and a dear friend from way across the pond in England and it made me really think.  i do way too much of that anyway but this time something changed.  and i realized i'm not the monster i have made myself out to be.  oh, i'm still grossly overweight.  all 380+ pounds of me.  BUT - that damned photo and the wonderfully sincere words it brought made me shake my head.  and really get it into that vast cavernous space where my brain should be that DESPITE the weight, i might actually be beautiful.  and feminine.  and appealing.  wow.  ME?????  yeah.  me.  i absolutely ABHOR the thought of excercise.  i consisder that a vulgar word.  BUT guess what????  been doing it now for a little better than 3 weeks.  yeah.  it's just dancing along with a video game for one of our systems but i LOVE it.  i used to love to dance.  and despite my amazonian build (yes, even when i was skinny i was still a BIG girl) i DID have natural grace.  a LOT of people have remarked on that over the years.  so i have been dancing.  and amazing myself at what it's doing for me on so many levels.  one being that i have gone into wal-mart in the past few weeks and been able to buy a blouse off the rack.  AND IT FITS!!!!!!!!  and not skin tight!!!!  this sorta happened a few months ago - i bought a blouse in a size i haven't worn in damn near 14 years and i was floored.  but i haven't gone back up.  in fact, i may be working my way back DOWN.  FINALLY.  and you would not believe how this has bolstered my self-confidence.  oooooh!!!  i said the "s" word!!!!  yeah.  self-confidence.  see, i've never had any of that before.  not really.  so this is foreign territory to me.  but it's kinda nice.  the best part is i have been looking in the mirror lately and NOT seeing the monster elephant i was used to.  i still see an overweight woman, yes, but now she's not quite an elephant.  i know, some folks are gonna say "never was".  that's just how i perceived myself.  see, the way i grew up, no one ever told me where that line was between self-confidence and vanity.  ALL i was taught was the part about vanity.  and how it was a HUGE sin.  and that admiring myself in ANY form or fashion was sinful.  and ugly.  and something to be crushed.  my mom would argue that was not her intention today and maybe it wasn't but that's what happened.  i wasn't supposed to see beauty when i looked at me.  i certainly wasn't supposed to SAY i was beautiful out loud.  no way.  b/c those things were vain. and sinful.  and evil.  which made me evil if i did them.  soooooo, i erred really far on the side of caution and simply said i was ugly and i hated me.  i made sure i squashed every good thought about myself b/c that's what i was supposed to do.  so what changed?  i don't know.  i just know it did.  and guess what?  i realized that screaming voice, that vicious inner bitch i've fought for years is QUIET.  i haven't heard her in weeks.  and i like that.  a lot.  i hope she stays gone forever.  because i like the new tops i've been buying.  i like the way i CAN look cute - can look like the skinnier girls and NOT be vulgar.  i used to think i would if i wore a tank top.  or strappy top.  i DO think there are somethings fat girls ought not try to wear in public and i DO still think people don't want to see us in certain clothes BUT i'm learning that i don't have to cover myself up like a mummy just because i'm fat.  and from the looks of the girl in the mirror, i ain't so fat anymore either.  i haven't seen a huge change physically but i know i will if i keep up this dance thing.  and i will.  for some reason i WANT to stick to this.  i WANT to make myself healthier.  i WANT to be who i should have been all this time.  i won't think about what thinking changed too much b/c i don't want to ruin it.  so i'll go with the flow for now.  mostly b/c i like where this is going.  a happier, healthier, more confident me.  have i rambled with this?  yeah.  but that's ok.  there have been soooo many other little things that have gone along with this but i wont' try and blurt them all out here.  suffice to say, they have ALL helped me see a little bit of what others have said was there all along.  i could kick myself for taking soooooo long to find it though.  better late than never i suppose.  anyhoo, need to be going to bed now.  but i needed to share this.  don't know if i got my point across - i tend to be wordy.  bottom line is this.


and this time i BELIEVE it when i say it.