Tuesday, January 10, 2012

forgiveness . . .

how do you forgive yourself?  when does the self-loathing stop?  WHY has it ALWAYS been your fault??  for everything?  how do you spend nearly most of your life trying to win the unconditional affections of a man who will never do this?  how do you NOT spend all your life wondering what you did for him to push you away and never let you back in?  or try to be as perfect as you could at EVERYTHING so he'd love you?  and know in your heart that if you hadn't fucked up he would?  to believe that he finds you ugly and disgusting and never good enough?

  how do you NOT claim full responsibility for the not one, not two but 5 - FIVE! - men who harmed you physically?  and you can't even remember the first one b/c you've completely blocked it out of your concious memory???  how do you NOT blame yourself for EACH and every time they brushed against you or pinched you or bit, grabbed and twisted flesh hard enough to leave bruises?  or even held you down and took what they wanted and then convinced you to allow it to happen again?????? 
when do you stop kicking yourself for putting yourself in the position to be harmed? 

or wondering if you always did all you could in every situation?  wondering if you were resentful or wrongly angry or aggravated?  wondering if you really DID do all you could to make things bearable for the person dying in front of you?  how can you be sooooo stubborn as to BELIEVE you're right and everyone else is wrong?  and be so determined to prove them wrong?  how do you know if you truly tried hard enough?  when do you stop wondering if God in Heaven will forgive you for not being a better caretaker or mom or wife or child or sibling or whatever? 

HOW can you feel your soul is good?  HOW can you believe those words that others use to describe you?  HOW do you make that raging, screaming, vicious, hateful voice go to Hell where she belongs and stay there?  HOW do you look in a mirror and NOT hate what you see?  and i don't mean your looks - i mean how do you NOT see the monster inside?  the darkness that hovers and grows and squeezes and tells you how you could have prevented EVERY harmful situation by simply not putting yourself there in the first place? 

when did that constant fear set in?  fear of not being good enough or not doing it right (whatever IT is) or of being the perpetual JOKE of everyone around you?  because you're fat and stupid?  (or you THINK you're stupid b/c you're not "worldly" or so-called educated?)  how do you choke that fear down and get rid of it?  esp. when you're 40 and it's so familiar???  damn near comfortable?  when it becomes easier and easier to simply shrink away from the world b/c you're too afraid and severly self-concious to be what others say is there?  or think you could be if you'd let go?

how do you find that "thing" to BELIEVE IN inside yourself without feeling vain or self-promoting or uppity?? 

how many times can you ask yourself ALL these questions, hear the answers from people who love you and STILL be so blind and ignorant?

PLEASE DON'T answer or comment to this one - i just needed to vent.  i just needed to see this in writing, to get it out. 

"wonder why the crazy bitch linked it then" huh . . .