Friday, September 28, 2012

no dreams

just another stooopid rant just in case anybody actually reads this shit.  in one of those moods i guess.  see, sometimes i reaaaaalllly get bothered by the fact that i am mundane.  normal.  (YEAH RIGHT!! AS IF!!!)  boring.  (BIG TIME BUDDY!!!)  ho hum.  blah.  oh, yeah, i can behave funny, tell a good joke or two but i'm BORING.  and feeling pretty damn useless and irritated right now.  see, i'm one of those people with not just bad luck, we're talking NO LUCK AT ALL.  none.  zip.  zilch.  nada.  EVERYTHING i try that goes anywhere beyond just being mundane blows up in my face.  and at 41, i'm damn tired of trying.  i just wonder WHY.  WHY other people can go back to school and EVERYTHING goes against me if i even MENTION it.  WHY other people can chase a hobby turned livelyhood and i never get anywhere if i try.  WHY it seems like EVERYONE around me can do something, ANYTHING that goes beyond the simple, necessary, daily routine but if i speak as though i'd like to jump out of that box, fate or whatever you want to call it LAUGHS at me and makes damn sure i don't have to just jump hoops but hit a brick wall no matter what i do!!!!!  no matter what it is!!!!!  i don't believe in dreams b/c for me they don't exist.  they never have and never will.  i seriously get funny looks and always have if i EVER said i wanted to do something like write or sing or whatever.  now, to defend my current "life status", DON'T get me wrong.  i LOVE being a wife and mother.  but damnit what if i wanted just a little something for ME?????  just one small thing?  i'll never get it and i guess i just have to accept that.  and right now i don't want to.  you may think i'm joking but i'm not.  i can't even get into a simple vo-tech school so forget a REAL university type thing.  i'd like to write something.  but if i say that out loud, oh you should SEE the reactions.  they're all like "yeah, right.  keep pretending."  oh, people read some of my drivel and say it's good or whatever but better than half of those who know i want to write something give me the textbook "encouragement" to my face then laugh like crazy behind my back.  and they don't think i know it but i do.  and truth is, THEY ARE RIGHT!!!  i can't get a hobby to develop into anything - not art or photography or baking or jewelery - you know, FUN STUFF.  no, for me it's make a half-assed piece of junk or paint a canvas that looks like a 4 year old did it or NEVER have the money to even spare towards doing something fun.  i keep hearing "but you're good at this/that/whatever!"  "keep doing it and see where it goes!"  or the most famous one, "just DO it!"  yeah.  right.  do what???  do WHAT???  what can i do???  everything works against me if i try.  and i do mean EVERYTHING.  so, i quit.  i'll just be boring and mundane and smile when i'm supposed to and remain stuck in my rut.  i'll continue to INSIST my children have dreams and push to get there.  i'll continue to support EVERYONE i can who IS pursuing their dreams and i will mean it when i say i'm happy for them because i truly will be.  guess somebody has to be the permanent, proverbial cheerleader for everyone else and that lot fell to me.  guess i'm supposed to be happy with the knowledge that i can be an encourager and a supporter to others and not worry about my own wishes or desires.  and that will have to be ok. 


sorry to be such a sour puss.  i just hate me right now. 

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

been a minute since i was here.  sorry.  didn't mean to ignore you.  really.  just haven't thought of anything to write.  well, take that back.  TONS of stuff to write, just no way to get the words out.  you know how it goes.  anyhoo, been not quite myself lately.  but this is a good thing.  b/c it means there are changes afoot.  and they're kinda weird for me.  but i hope they'll stick.  this time.  see, my lovely, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL, buttheaded sister posted a photo of me about a month ago on FB.  a FULL LENGTH photo of me in ALL my "massive" glory.  and for a split second i was pissed.  well, embarrassed really.  very embarrassed.  b/c i don't allow such things of myself.  I'M HUGE.  and don't want everyone to see.  or know.  like i can hide such a thing.  BUT the damn thing actually turned into a blessing in disguise.  mostly b/c the photo was flattering.  yeah.  flattering.  NOT ugly or grotesque.  there was a "discussion" had by my sis and a dear friend from way across the pond in England and it made me really think.  i do way too much of that anyway but this time something changed.  and i realized i'm not the monster i have made myself out to be.  oh, i'm still grossly overweight.  all 380+ pounds of me.  BUT - that damned photo and the wonderfully sincere words it brought made me shake my head.  and really get it into that vast cavernous space where my brain should be that DESPITE the weight, i might actually be beautiful.  and feminine.  and appealing.  wow.  ME?????  yeah.  me.  i absolutely ABHOR the thought of excercise.  i consisder that a vulgar word.  BUT guess what????  been doing it now for a little better than 3 weeks.  yeah.  it's just dancing along with a video game for one of our systems but i LOVE it.  i used to love to dance.  and despite my amazonian build (yes, even when i was skinny i was still a BIG girl) i DID have natural grace.  a LOT of people have remarked on that over the years.  so i have been dancing.  and amazing myself at what it's doing for me on so many levels.  one being that i have gone into wal-mart in the past few weeks and been able to buy a blouse off the rack.  AND IT FITS!!!!!!!!  and not skin tight!!!!  this sorta happened a few months ago - i bought a blouse in a size i haven't worn in damn near 14 years and i was floored.  but i haven't gone back up.  in fact, i may be working my way back DOWN.  FINALLY.  and you would not believe how this has bolstered my self-confidence.  oooooh!!!  i said the "s" word!!!!  yeah.  self-confidence.  see, i've never had any of that before.  not really.  so this is foreign territory to me.  but it's kinda nice.  the best part is i have been looking in the mirror lately and NOT seeing the monster elephant i was used to.  i still see an overweight woman, yes, but now she's not quite an elephant.  i know, some folks are gonna say "never was".  that's just how i perceived myself.  see, the way i grew up, no one ever told me where that line was between self-confidence and vanity.  ALL i was taught was the part about vanity.  and how it was a HUGE sin.  and that admiring myself in ANY form or fashion was sinful.  and ugly.  and something to be crushed.  my mom would argue that was not her intention today and maybe it wasn't but that's what happened.  i wasn't supposed to see beauty when i looked at me.  i certainly wasn't supposed to SAY i was beautiful out loud.  no way.  b/c those things were vain. and sinful.  and evil.  which made me evil if i did them.  soooooo, i erred really far on the side of caution and simply said i was ugly and i hated me.  i made sure i squashed every good thought about myself b/c that's what i was supposed to do.  so what changed?  i don't know.  i just know it did.  and guess what?  i realized that screaming voice, that vicious inner bitch i've fought for years is QUIET.  i haven't heard her in weeks.  and i like that.  a lot.  i hope she stays gone forever.  because i like the new tops i've been buying.  i like the way i CAN look cute - can look like the skinnier girls and NOT be vulgar.  i used to think i would if i wore a tank top.  or strappy top.  i DO think there are somethings fat girls ought not try to wear in public and i DO still think people don't want to see us in certain clothes BUT i'm learning that i don't have to cover myself up like a mummy just because i'm fat.  and from the looks of the girl in the mirror, i ain't so fat anymore either.  i haven't seen a huge change physically but i know i will if i keep up this dance thing.  and i will.  for some reason i WANT to stick to this.  i WANT to make myself healthier.  i WANT to be who i should have been all this time.  i won't think about what thinking changed too much b/c i don't want to ruin it.  so i'll go with the flow for now.  mostly b/c i like where this is going.  a happier, healthier, more confident me.  have i rambled with this?  yeah.  but that's ok.  there have been soooo many other little things that have gone along with this but i wont' try and blurt them all out here.  suffice to say, they have ALL helped me see a little bit of what others have said was there all along.  i could kick myself for taking soooooo long to find it though.  better late than never i suppose.  anyhoo, need to be going to bed now.  but i needed to share this.  don't know if i got my point across - i tend to be wordy.  bottom line is this.

I AM BEAUTIFUL. 


and this time i BELIEVE it when i say it. 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

fear

well, here i am again.  i know all i seem to post is a "rant" or line of strange thinking but my mind is racing once again and i have to get this out.  i'm sure i will be blasted if the wrong people see this but it's just my OPINION and i feel the need to voice it . . . so here goes . . .

FEAR 

wow.  such a small, four letter word with sooooo much power and meaning.  and i'm not talking "fears" we have in general such as a fear of snakes (i LOVE 'em), fear of spiders (those things are cool too - yeah i know, i'm warped) or even fears that i have such as fear of deep water, extreme fear of flying, HUGE fear of lightning, fears of dogs, bridges . . . ok, ok you get the point.  (I AM A HUGE WUSS, YES)  but i mean fear of LIVING.  you know, the one a LOT of people are stricken with that causes them to become fanatical about foods or the air we breathe or vacinations and such . . .the ones who are NOT happy if they don't have a CAUSE to rally behind or scream about or protest about.  the ones who SAY one thing and do another.  the ones who, if everything at the moment is status quo will go LOOKING for a new "cause" (if not make one up) and champion that one to death. they say that we're gonna die if we eat that steak or use that cell phone or drive a BIG TRUCK or wear certain clothes and shoes.  those ones.  i have a good friend on FB that is Vegan and liberal - i like her a LOT.  she is tremendously smart and funny  and a lot of what she posts is very eye opening.  and everything she says comes from a good place - she means no harm and is NOT one the nuts i'm talking about.  but a lot of the links she posts tend to lead to the very thing i'm referring to . . . militant fanatics.  you know, the ones who claim they're ALL for independent thought but then steamroll you if your independent thought varies in ANY, WAY, SHAPE or FORM from theirs. 

i mean take the food thing for example.  yes, i am aware that there are GLARING "trouble spots" in the mass production of foods these days - you can find TONS of videos showing the worst side of a badly run slaughter house or dairy, you can find links for days on how famers are poisoning us by the thousands (if not millions) with their use of certain chemicals or pesticides and such . . .

look.  i know i'm not gonna live forever.  yeah, i'm aware that SOME of the stuff in the foods i buy in the local supermarket are NOT good for me - hamburger helper anyone?  but eating crazy ONCE IN A WHILE is NOT going to kill me tomorrow.  i don't think . . . maybe i'm wrong but . . .

but you come across people who are so AFRAID of eating ANYTHING, esp. if it's a high production food that they become insanely militant about how we're going to die if we don't stop and NEVER let whatever it is pass our lips again.  and THEN they give you ALL these vialble alternatives to the food the want you to stop eating, NEVER REALIZING THAT THE MAJORITY OF WHAT THEY'RE SUGGESTING YOU EAT OR DRINK IS JUST AS SYNTHETIC AND HARMFUL AS THE VERY "ENHANCED" FOODS THEY DEMAND YOU AVOID!!!!!  i'm sorry, take milk/calcium for instance.  ok.  for someone who's lactose intolerant (WHICH IF YOU ASK ME IS THE DIRECT RESULT OF FORMULA BEING INTRODUCED AS A BETTER WAY TO FEED AN INFANT THAN REAL MILK - WE SCREWED OURSELVES ON THAT ONE) a calcium supplement may be neccessary to get the needed vitamin in their daily intake.  OR by eating calcium rich foods.  but i say NATURALLY calcium rich NOT those with calcium additives INJECTED - doesn't that describe exactly what i'm talking about????  I can't have real, whole milk with it's homogenization/pasteurazation process but YOU can force me to think that i MUST take this little man made pill that's been lab created or eat this veggie or tofu or whatever that has had an ADDITIVE FORCED INTO IT TO MAKE IT GOOD FOR ME????

or meats.  i'm not supposed to have a steak for sooooooo many reasons.  the meats got too much fat, it's been "enhanced" somehow with whatever, the cows farting is causing global warming (which means we ALL stop eating beef, cull the herds, keep the herds at a HUGE minimum without letting them go extinct and PLAY with the fuckers as pets), the list goes on.  BUT you explain to me how that tender, juciy, wonderfully seasoned, grilled to perfection rib eye is MORE harmful than the MAN-MADE, LAB CREATED, INJECTED OUT THE WAZOO, TOFU/SOY/VEGGIE SUBSTITUTE YOU SAY I MUST EAT OR DIE!!!!!  yes, legumes have proteins similar to those in meat - but not fully the same.  and i don't care what anyone says - yes, there ARE things in beef that we NEED in our bodies to keep them functioning normally.  BUT we can do this in moderation.  i mean, eating ONLY beef as a habit WILL harm you to a certain degree.  and eating TONS of it will too.  but damn.  it's perfectly ok to have a steak now and then, or a hamburger, or roast - have it.  then have chicken the next night.  pork the next.  maybe a veggie only meal the next.  there are ways to keep yourself healthy and still have the foods you want WITHOUT denying yourself anything. 

and sugar.  oh my Lord.  i don't mean the kind i'd LOVE to slather ALL OVER A BRITISH ACTOR NAMED TOM HARDY (give me five minutes alone with that dude - yeah, a restraining order would follow but it would soooo be worth it) but the kind of sugar that goes in my iced tea.  (and being southern i CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT SWEET TEA)  you know, the one that comes in bags or boxes and is refined from that wonderful plant called sugarcane.  if you say the words "real sugar" or use real sugar in front of the WRONG person, you may as well dig your own grave.  OMG.  once again, somebody explain to me how ALL those artificial sweetners out there that are LAB CREATED and ridiculously sooooo many times "sweeter" than the real thing are good for me!!!  huh?  anyone?  it's been proven that those things are just as harmful if not worse to a degree.  yeah, if you INHALE sugary foods and drinks all day, every day you are BOUND to do some harm to your body.  guess what?  SEX CAN DO THE SAME THING.  harm you that is.  (not in the same way of course.  don't think sex has been linked to diabetes yet but give it time . . . )  anything in excess can harm you somehow.  once again, the trick is MODERATION.  and common sense.  which apparently some of us have left behind in favor of "OMG, this will kill me" when we read ONE DAMNED REPORT OR ARTICLE SOME WANNABE GENIUS PUBLISHES AS THEIR "FACT" (in quotation marks for a reason there).  and all it accomplishes is the "herd mentality" to RUSH to agree and say "OMG WE'RE GONNA DIE!"  i just laugh.

or the cell phone thingy causing cancer.  just how many of those would give up their phones if that were really true?  could you live without yours? don't throw that question back at me.  I DON'T HAVE A CELL PHONE.  haven't had one in a few years now.  (priorties and lack of employment can make you give up a LOT of things) so yeah, i can live without one.  BUT i don't believe they cause cancer.  and ONCE AGAIN, it's the moderate use of one - in other words quit sending 1000 texts in one day - that can't be good on your thumbs or hands.  BTW, whatever happened to WRITING???  you know, like letters?  the ones you stuff into a thing called an envelope and put in a box with a stamp and wait a few days for the person to get it?  i used to love writing letters.  yeah, i'm as addicted to Facebook as the next clown but i miss the old way sometimes.

i could go on and on with this but i think you get my drift by now.  we can "dig up" skeletons on ANY faction of life - food production, clothing, phones, etc.  we can label ANYTHING harmful and know there is a grain of truth inside it but people, please.  breathe the caustic air a moment, have a glass of RED kool-aid (made with real sugar of course), let your kid ride a bike sans helmet or run with a stick, use that cell phone to call an old friend and just say hi, make as much noise as possible in your F-150 with the chrome dual exhaust, savor that bite of that greasy burger loaded with onions, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, cheese and bacon, and for pete's sake, LIVE.  LIVE without those fears and enjoy this moment because NO MATTER HOW YOU AVOID ALL THOSE THINGS THAT "COULD" KILL YOU, like milk, beef, sugar, cell phones, tomorrow isn't promised and i wanna have fun today.


one more pissy little closing thought - ever notice how ALL those folks who are sooooo hell bent to have us live on supplements and avoid the real things are pound for pound MORE unhealthy than those of us who choose to eat "normal"?  OR that they're the ones keep PFIZER and other drug companies alive and thriving b/c of ALL the little magic pills they have to have in order to just function on a daily basis BECAUSE they're NOT getting what they could from ALL those wonderful, natural foods out there, veggies AND meats?

just a thought . . .

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

forgiveness . . .

how do you forgive yourself?  when does the self-loathing stop?  WHY has it ALWAYS been your fault??  for everything?  how do you spend nearly most of your life trying to win the unconditional affections of a man who will never do this?  how do you NOT spend all your life wondering what you did for him to push you away and never let you back in?  or try to be as perfect as you could at EVERYTHING so he'd love you?  and know in your heart that if you hadn't fucked up he would?  to believe that he finds you ugly and disgusting and never good enough?

  how do you NOT claim full responsibility for the not one, not two but 5 - FIVE! - men who harmed you physically?  and you can't even remember the first one b/c you've completely blocked it out of your concious memory???  how do you NOT blame yourself for EACH and every time they brushed against you or pinched you or bit, grabbed and twisted flesh hard enough to leave bruises?  or even held you down and took what they wanted and then convinced you to allow it to happen again?????? 
when do you stop kicking yourself for putting yourself in the position to be harmed? 

or wondering if you always did all you could in every situation?  wondering if you were resentful or wrongly angry or aggravated?  wondering if you really DID do all you could to make things bearable for the person dying in front of you?  how can you be sooooo stubborn as to BELIEVE you're right and everyone else is wrong?  and be so determined to prove them wrong?  how do you know if you truly tried hard enough?  when do you stop wondering if God in Heaven will forgive you for not being a better caretaker or mom or wife or child or sibling or whatever? 

HOW can you feel your soul is good?  HOW can you believe those words that others use to describe you?  HOW do you make that raging, screaming, vicious, hateful voice go to Hell where she belongs and stay there?  HOW do you look in a mirror and NOT hate what you see?  and i don't mean your looks - i mean how do you NOT see the monster inside?  the darkness that hovers and grows and squeezes and tells you how you could have prevented EVERY harmful situation by simply not putting yourself there in the first place? 

when did that constant fear set in?  fear of not being good enough or not doing it right (whatever IT is) or of being the perpetual JOKE of everyone around you?  because you're fat and stupid?  (or you THINK you're stupid b/c you're not "worldly" or so-called educated?)  how do you choke that fear down and get rid of it?  esp. when you're 40 and it's so familiar???  damn near comfortable?  when it becomes easier and easier to simply shrink away from the world b/c you're too afraid and severly self-concious to be what others say is there?  or think you could be if you'd let go?

how do you find that "thing" to BELIEVE IN inside yourself without feeling vain or self-promoting or uppity?? 

how many times can you ask yourself ALL these questions, hear the answers from people who love you and STILL be so blind and ignorant?



PLEASE DON'T answer or comment to this one - i just needed to vent.  i just needed to see this in writing, to get it out. 

"wonder why the crazy bitch linked it then" huh . . .