Monday, December 26, 2011

good-bye 2011, hello 2012

well, this has been one hell of a year.  the beginning was really heartbreaking b/c we had been served w/papers of foreclosure on our home.  one of the worst things we'd ever been through.  BUT through God's grace and a MASSIVE tax-return, we were able to save our home.  one blockade gone.  Dale was still out of work at that time though (thanks to some bad luck and a doctor who could have done things differently) but by the beginning of summer he was gainfully employed again.  that was not long after my aunt Lou came to live w/us due to her rapidly failing health.  she lost her battle with whatever was going on in Sept. a couple of weeks after a lady i had called friend for years lost her own battle with cancer.  my children took both deaths hard - maddie still has days where she cries for auntie.  but it's getting better.  i myself went through things during that time i wasn't ready for and didn't really handle them well.  but i'm getting better too.  lots of folks i know had a hard year.  i and pray that 2012 will bless us all.  i don't usually make resolutions or things BUT i think i will set a goal or too and actually TRY to reach them this time.  one of which being to FINISH one or the other of what is now TWO manuscripts and then see if i have the guts to try and get them published.  yes, i said published.  me, a writer.  for real.  i think i actually can do this.  Lord knows it's been a lifelong dream of mine but i've always felt stupid using my name in the same sentence with that word.  however, i have had the encouragement of a few lovely, sincere people and i think i really can do this.  a lot of these people don't even know me from Adam's housecat but they seem to genuinely like my writing; they give me constant encouragement and hope.  i am also gonna do a few things to get myself on better footing to deal with "stuff".  if i can lose a few more pounds that would be nice too.  but i've got to work on getting my head a little more straightened out first.  (it's not a great place to be most days)  and i can do this too.  i've always had the support of a wonderful man and he is pleased that i intend to make a few changes - and that i'm doing it for myself, not to make anyone else happy. i hope 2012 will bring good things to all of us . . . not money and such but peace of mind, heart and soul.  those things will lead to the material things that we need.  maybe by this time next year i will be able to tell you that one of my books is a success.  cross your fingers.  LOL!  and maybe by this time next year we will ALL be able to say that 2012 was a good year.  :)))

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

self hate . . .

i'm sitting here w/tears in my eyes and racing thoughts once again. it's one AM and i need to be in the bed but i'm sitting here thinking too much.  wanna hear this one?  really?  i have to tell you i amaze myself.  i'm sure those of you who know me get tired of my insulting myself or not realizing/seeing what all of you see or whatever. 

you know i've been told all my life just how beautiful i am.  and i think you're all full of bullshit.  really.  this gets compounded just a few moments ago when i took a good look at the french manicure nails i gave myself earlier.  see, part of me does this with the nails b/c it makes me feel almost pretty for a moment.  but only a moment.  b/c then i look at these lady-like nails on these HUGE masculine, UGLY hands and think to myself, "YOU IDIOT!"  and it looks so out of place on such a drudge like me . . . and i literally just sat here and started crying b/c i truly feel like an idiot now for having done such a girly thing as my nails.  and it hits me.  like i said, i've been told all my life how beautiful i am (inside and out) and yet here i sit a 380 pound, vulgar mouthed, lazy-assed bitch who's listened to this raging, maniacal voice in her head telling her she's ugly and so forth and it hits me.  did i deliberately LET myself get in this condition b/c of "her"?  that voice?  did i somehow MAKE myself ugly b/c i was convinced i am????  how stupid is that?  i'm literally sitting her with that voice in my head SCREAMING at me - "who the fuck do you think you are?  do you think ANYONE will call you beautiful just b/c of those nails?  do you think ANYONE is impressed??  does it make you something you're soooo not to put on these nails and that make-up and flat-iron that limp, half-bald head of ridiculous hair???  do you REALLY believe that when people smile at you that they're smiling b/c they like you or think you look good at that moment?  NO!!!!  they're laughing at you, and giving you a moment of their time ONLY to be polite!''  may sound crazy but THAT'S how my head works.  and has for 40 long damn years.  it's crazy.  I'M crazy.  as a fuckin betsybug!!!!  all i can see now is a silly broad in grungy at home clothes sitting here with these nails that belong on a woman sooooo far different from me -  really marie???  over nails???? 

why won't she shut up??  why does she hate me so???  why do i care??  why do i listen??? 

i know, i know, if i hate my body so much, change it.  fix it.  lose weight.  get some vitamins to help my hair grow back and thicken up.  yeah.  easier said than done.  and yeah, i know, stop putting myself down.  stop being so hard on myself.  stop second guessing myself.  stop believing those negative thoughts and try some positives out.  i've heard the suggestion to say something positive about myself every day.  i wind up laughing or crying b/c i sound like a fool. 

somebody whack me with a two-by or something; maybe it'll knock some sense into me . . . . better yet, shoot me with a 12 guage and put me out of EVERYONE'S misery . . . (i'm NOT suicidal, just rambling - don't go there and don't worry)

i know i'm gonna get some responses to this one; things i've heard before.  and it never makes a difference.  but go ahead.  let me have it. 

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

tears . . . .

i guess this is just a day for tears.  and don't worry.  i'm just fine.  i've just had some memories hit me hard today.  my mother gave me a book called "God's Calling" that i had given to Auntie for her birthday way back in 01.  it's an inpsirational book that you take and read a passage each day - from Jan 1 to Dec. 31.  she gave it to me b/c scattered all throughout the book are notes scribbled about on various days; notes such as the day Dale and I got our Explorer in 02.  (and buddy have we run that sucker damn near to death - LOL!)  notes such as the dates my sister joined the USMC (Marines), the day she went to Kuwait, the day she left for Japan and other dates in her life inbetween, dates of death of loved ones, celebrities, one of her pets . . . notes on days that friends visited her or her and my grandmother when she was still alive . . . just little things, a lot of which i had forgotten.  she only had one entry noting her refusal to take the treatments offered by Dr. Tuturro for her myeloma . . . found that interesting.  but it was two entries in the back of the book that had me crying for the second time today.  the first is a lovely poem (i'm sure it's original, as in hers) written about a month after my nana (grandmother) passed away in 04.  she mentions "silver raindrops".  my nana did say something in one of her more lucid moments before her death about seeing the silver raindrops outside the window of the hospital room . . . three pages later, in an entry dated Dec. 08, Auntie says the silver raindrops are falling again; she sees them through the same hospital room window my nana was in when she died . . . i have tried so hard to ignore it, deny it and everything else but i guess Auntie was sicker than she let on to any of us.  i have refused since 2007 to admit or agree that my aunt was stricken with multiple myeloma, blood cancer or that said cancer was what she died from.  she never presented any symptoms of cancer in my opinion until about 4 months prior to her death.  even the doctors remarked that it may have been a HUGE misdiagnosis b/c she never exhibited ANY of the typical side effects of cancer.  hell, even the sickness she did deal with in her last few months was more indicative of gall stone trouble than anything.  but when i think back over that time, how quickly she went downhill, and i mean FAST; literally able to walk and go one day and bedridden the next, i wonder if i was just being stubborn in my lack of acknowledgement of her "illness".  she never said anything to any of us about feeling sick if she did, or hurting if she did, she never asked any of us for help w/anything except maybe wrapping pipe in the winter to keep them from freezing or little things.  we offered sooooo many times to do things big and small for her and she would just say "no, it'll be all right" or "no, i don't want that" or "no, just leave it alone, i'll get to it later".  HA!  later never came.  and to be mean about it for a minute, if you really take a good look at what she did and didn't do for herself, her home and other stuff, it's like she DELIBERATELY let everything go.  she hated asking any of us for anything and hated relying on us to take her to the store and such; she sold her car (one thing NOT mentioned in the little book) when she decided that 69/70 was too old to be driving.  and just stayed home.  literally.  we took her out on the first of the month when she got her check and after that it was fetch for her.  don't get me wrong i didn't mind doing that but she closed herself off in my opinion.   esp. after she was diagnosed w/that myeloma.  it was almost like she thought everyone could see that she supposedly had cancer.  but she kept to herself, only giving harsh words and opinions after a while . . . she made do with whatever was around her no matter how many times we offered to make it better (if we had we'd have NEVER heard the en of it) that woman could make 5 lb. of hamburger last a month.  she hated it when we'd offer to get whatever she needed or brought her stuff; at least she behaved that way sometimes.  sometimes she'd smile or accept it gracefully but . . . mom and i would cook and share it with her; she's say we were shorting ourselves . . . it was the same after she had to stay here with us.  she wouldn't want to eat the supper i cooked b/c she said it was ours and she shouldn't be here and that she didn't want to short us on our dinner . . . i'm rambling and can't help it.  DAMINT!!!!!  those last four months of her life had to be the toughest thing i've ever seen anyone go through; she couldn't eat for most of it.  she lost so much weight, i know she suffered but she never said.  she even passed w/an angry look on her face and i've often kicked myself in the ass wondering if i did something wrong . . . i know i didn't but still . . . was i really that stubborn as so not to see that she was sick?  or was SHE so stubborn as to refuse any and all help for said illness??  little of both maybe????  she was one stubborn woman that's for sure.  she truly, FULLY believed one doctors opinion and spent her last couple of years convinced she had blood cancer even though stuff inidicated otherwise.  oh, a doc would say off and on that yeah, this could be related to it or that could be related to it as she saw doc after doc those last few months but NONE of them EVER confirmed that she was having problems b/c of the myeloma.  they tried to help her with her reflux disease that was causing a LOT of the problems but . . . she was worse than a child.  FIRST OF ALL, she didn't believe in taking medication for ANY reason.  said it was sinful to put anything like that in your body . . .  SECOND, if she DID agree to medication in those last few months, it was smile nice and agree to it in front of the doctor, GET the medication then go home and bitch about it and refuse to take it!!!  and i think she would tell the docs it didn't work the next time she saw them . . . no one went with her in the exam rooms when she'd see them so who knows . . . i know she didn't like it when MOM & I WOULD tell the docs that SHE refused the medication those few times she was in the hospital in those last months . . . talk about looks could kill!  she could bat those eyelashes and say one thing to the docs and give US holy hell at home b/c she didn't like the taste of the medicine or it was wrong to take it or whatever. . . . . yeah, i know i said i was crying earlier; sounds like a little anger is still there too.  i'm sorry for that.  i shouldn't be angry.  really.  i shouldn't.  but i am i guess.  i just felt so . . . . i don't know, when i read those words about silver raindrops and being there in that room where nana died . . . it hurt.  to know that her own death was on her mind then, 3 years before she died, and that she never said anything to any of us.  well, we were brought up NOT to talk about emotions and such; the couple of times i did try, she laughed at me or got angry and made me feel REAAAALLLLY stoopid about it.  and then to watch her WILL herself to die was awful.  but that's exactly what she did.  maybe she did know the end was coming soon but she would actually be angry, i swear, when she'd wake up and still be here.  she BEGGGGGED for God to take her on a daily basis, esp. when she was frustrated or angry w/us for some reason.  i can understand that to a point but . . . .  man i am NOT making any sense.  but i needed to get this out.  please know that i am all right, i'm not depressed or whatever - it was just that memories hit me hard today and i cried.  guess i needed to. 

Monday, December 5, 2011

huh?????

anyone else out there having racing thoughts?  anyone else able to go from cheerful to depressed in 0.6 seconds? and not know why?  i can't explain it.  but i was happy as hell a little while ago and now . . . i honestly think i'm going crazy.  i can't concentrate these days, can't remember to do what i need to do, and if i do remember, i somehow never get it done.  my thoughts are truly scrambled right now.  and bouncing like crazy in that vast cavern that is my empty skull.  i want to laugh hysterically and cry in the same breath.  once again i am feeling VERY inadequate and stooopid.  yeah, yeah, i know, build a fence and get over it.  yeah, well you bite me.  i don't seem to express myself well these days - i feel like i sound like a complete fool with any opinion i give or statement i make or action i try.  i can't seem to do anything right - i feel like i'm losing a couple of important battles and i don't want to say too much about a lot of it to anyone else b/c i'm afraid of what they might wind up saying.  in one instance, i'm afraid it will add to one person's very misplaced sense of guilt . . . and i don't want to go there.  but i'm at a loss as to how to handle one situation and it's driving me nuts to be honest.  i have a deep sense of fear hanging right over my head too and i don't know why.  nearly a dread sense.  i have a tendency to overreact about some situations simply b/c i can't control them and a HUGE tendency to worry some things to death . . . which i guess is what i'm doing.  i ramble when i speak to people.  i have one friend on facebook that i'm sure at this moment is rolling her eyes and wondering when this goofy heifer will lighten up or wake up or whatever.  you know, i had this tremendously crazy idea of writing a book.  i did well i guess for a while but i can't seem to finish.  yeah, that's normal for me.  i just don't feel like i'm doing anything good with it.  in fact, it sucks if you ask me.  i keep getting truly wonderful compliments on my writing ability but to be honest, i hate what i write.  i keep getting told i have this gift and that i SHOULD share it and so forth.  BULLSHIT.  let me say that again.  BULL-SHIT!!!!  i'm not a writer.  i'm a fat-assed goofy housewife with delusions of granduer.  now several people are gonna tell me to stop this.  and realize i AM good at writing.  and i AM a good person.  and so forth and so on.  maybe.  i doubt it.  i'm one of those people who's half-assed good at next to nothing but existing.  yeah, yeah, i hear you.  then change it.  do something about it.  quit whining.  stop putting myself down.  quit believing that screaming BITCH who is currently raging inside my head as i write this.  i can't.  that part of me is quite convincing.  she's done it for 40 years.  don't worry.  i'm not the kind of depressed that will cause me to say i want to "end it all".  no, no, no.  i like living.  i'm just not good at it.  sorry to put this out there and leave it so abruptly but i'm running out of things to say coherently.  just needed to say something i guess. . . . .

Saturday, December 3, 2011

racism and Christianity

this is purely a "VENT" for me and nothing else.  this is NOT intended to offend anyone or make them uncomfortable but if it does, i am sincerely apologetic.  i am going to use words that may be HIGHLY offensive and inflamatory but i do NOT use these words in that manner.

but i have to get something out before it makes me crazy.  my teeth are already hurting from me clenching my jaws and grinding my teeth as i seethed and hurt over this earlier.  please bear with me . . .

to put it bluntly, it thoroughly amazes and flumoxes me that this is the year 2011 and we still behave as if we are pre-historic.  by this i mean in the way we treat other people.  with such ugliness, greed, and hatred.  my first little rant is on a very unpopular subject.  RACISM.  i could go on for pages about how i find it VERY base and degrading to use derogatory terms towards ANY race, religion or creed but i want to go for the most prevalant one facing most of us who live in the area of the world that i reside.  that old tired horse, the BLACK/WHITE issue.  and the word "nigger".  i have ALWAYS found that word offensive and i must apologize that i have not always told those around me that i do.  WHY?  because i live in the south.  and because sometimes it's easier to keep your mouth shut and let the word fly than to call attention to it and cause a "riot".  i apologize to anyone that ever felt i was slighting them by doing this.  sincerely.  i grew up here in the backwoods of rural louisiana in a majority black community.  yes, i heard the word "nigger" all the time - mostly used in a derogatory manner. yes, i grew up with some of those nagging thoughts in the back of my mind that the "races" were not meant to be together and so forth.  i knew better but it was all around me and sometimes against our better judgement and common sense, we go along with the status quo simply to keep ourselves out of trouble.  which truthfully is just as wrong as being disrepectful with the words or actions of racism.  i was taught NEVER to think myself better than ANYONE; black, white, sky blue, rich, Baptist(i'm Catholic),poor, fat, skinny, ugly, smart, not so book smart, whatever.  i was taught that RESPECT and LOVE were the two main tools that we should use to go through life.  i didn't just get this from home either.  i got this from my home, the community i have lived in for the past 30 years, school, my church . . . and this meant i learned from black and white teacher, preachers, priests, moms and dads, my peers, co-workers, everyone.  and i think i have a pretty good balance on it.  i have tried to teach my 3 children even better than i learned and tonight i found out i have done all right. 

my oldest son plays basketball for the very school i attented from 5th grade to graduation.  he is the only white member of the basketball team.  so what?  he is as much a part of the team as anyone.  tonight they played a school from a community long known for it's extreme racist views and agendas.  after a heartbreaking loss that could have been avoided my son was approached by 4 members of the opposing team and asked why and how he was on the team with a bunch of niggers.  my son IMMEDIATELY fired back with "hey, that's my team AND my family" to which a stunning silence was met.  way to go Jake!  how can we STILL teach such vulgar habits as racism to our children????  why is it still so prevalent today?  this leads into the second stage of my rant; Christianty. 

HOW in the name of God in Heaven can one call themselves a Christian, walk around with a cross and a fully Christian phrase on the back on one's clothing and STILL use such a hateful word and call someone out in such a disrespectful manner????  is this what God taught us??  or if we call ourselves Christian, is this what Jesus Christ taught us????  to believe that we are better than or more worthy than the one next to us???  that we have the RIGHT to degrade another human being with words???  how can one possibly believe they will EVER see the treasure that is Heaven if we hold such hate in our hearts????  and that's all it is.  ignorance and hate.  how do you say one thing on Sunday morning or Wednesday evening or any other day of the week in the middle of a "church" service and turn around and DO the opposite 5 minutes later???  how do you read those words in that amazing book called the Holy Bible and then twist them to your advantage when the need strikes????  how do you call yourself fully Christian then say "only whites are allowed in this house of worship"?  how do you smile to a person's face one moment and curse the ground they walk on the next???  

how can we "curse" someone with the old "i hope such and such happens to you" and still believe we are Christian??  how do we preach reaching out to everyone only to find that really means we're gonna ONLY reach for those we think are like us????  and it's funny how we find ourselves doing this in everyday life; in little ways.  we don't approach those we think are different.  why not?  we don't include those we believe are "like us".  why not?  we stay comfy in our little circles and ignore those we feel are different.  i'm not saying that's not okay to a certain extent; we should be with like minded people in most cases and we tent to do that.  be friends with those whom we have things in common be it music, religion, sports, lifestyles, etc.  that's fine.  but we DON'T have the RIGHT to believe that those who DON'T think the way we do on EVERYTHING are wrong, evil-minded assholes who deserve to be treated like something we scraped off the bottom of our shoe.  i don't want to be EXACTLY the same as everyone i know.  variety IS the spice of life.  and that means variety in pretty much everything in my opinion.  a variety of opinions, tastes, thoughts, whatever. 

i guess my whole point in this tirade is that i was very hurt and angered by those IGNORANT FOOLS who tried to make my son feel like he was doing something WRONG by being a part of a team of those not exactly like him.  my children don't see black or white.  i didn't either all the time i worked as a substitute teacher in the same school.  i only saw people.  people who bleed the same as me, hurt the same as me, laugh the same as me, walk and talk the same as me, cry the same as me, be proud of their children the same as me, have 10 toes and fingers the same as me; you know what the ONLY true difference is?  skin color.  now is that ONE thing REALLY enough to make us sooooo different???  i don't think so. 

if i have offended anyone, i am sorry.  if i have made you think a moment, good.  i am proud of my son.  and i am proud of my BLACK AND WHITE family here in this community. 

i'm done now.  good night.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

near militant opinions . . .

opinions.  EVERYONE'S got one on just about EVERY topic of life.  all of us.  sometimes we agree, sometimes we don't.  but i sit and read posts on FB or other internet sites (usually comments on an article of some kind) and it truly amazes me how downright MILITANT and forceful some folks can be with their opinions.  everyone is NOT supposed to have the same views on EVERYTHING i believe; it part of what makes us who we are as a people - differing opinions.  i don't really think i WANT to believe letter for letter the SAME DAMN THING everyone else does.  isn't "variety the spice of life"????  then why do some feel the need to be sooo aggressive with their OPINIONS and feel the need to make the rest of us cower until we say "yes master" and bow to their supposed "wiser" or more enlightened way of thinking??  PLEASE!!!! who makes you more enlighened than me??  or vice versa??  i would never dream of trying to force my opinion on someone in such a manner.  or at least i try.  HARD.  i don't expect everyone to agree with me on everything and that's all good!!  and if we can voice said opinions without raising our voices and RESPECTING each other enough to agree to disagree i'm fine.  but all this has really made me do over 40 years is learn to keep my mouth SHUT.  mostly.  i still have a bad habit of voicing my opinion and i generally wind up w/the other person pissed at me - well, annoyed really.  they usually forgive me but . . . just voiceing my opinion on opinions . . . and if you don't agree, that's cool.  i love you anyway!

Monday, November 21, 2011

blah

boy i tell ya.  when my insecurity complex takes over, it really does a good job.  feeling kinda wimpy this evening for lots of reasons.  and to be honest, they're all kinda stoopid.  from my end.  but it's that lack of self-confidence thing AND the always wanting/needing to make someone else feel better or apologize for not being what they think i should be.  i find myself apologizing a lot on that score and trying desperately to make sure the other soul knows i'd never hurt them deliberately or trying desperately to explain my actions or lack of to them to make them happy with me again.  and it hit me a while ago.  WHY AM I APOLOGIZING FOR BEING ME???  why can't i think of myself as a VERY capable human being?  why can't i sit here and say with absoute certainty that: #1 - I AM BEAUTIFUL, #2 - I AM CAPABLE, #3 - I AM A TALENTED WRITER, #4 - I CAN DO ANYTHING and #5 - I DON'T OWE ANYBODY AN EXPLAINATION ABOUT MY LIFE!!!  why can't i say these things without feeling like the biggest FOOL on the entire planet?  i have a good life.  HAPPILY MARRIED to a wonderful man, 3 gorgeous albiet assholey sometimes children, a lovely home, the size of my really HUGE fat ass will tell you i'm well fed, friends who know me, understand me and love me anyway, positions of responsibility in various forms that i'm semi-good at - and yet i feel unworthy, incapable, stupid, hideously vulgar (in looks) - i could go on but you get the idea.  why does it seem soooo easy for others to believe in themselves?  and laughable when i try?  why can some people really be themselves and NOT apologize for it?  yet i have this hell bent nature to show everyone i DO care about them and love them, esp. when they suddenly NEED the attention?  i'm rambling and not getting my point across am i.  i sit here and write and smile while i do it and think to myself "this is cool" and barely a day later i feel like the dumbest shmuck on earth and call my "work" trash.  this is a repeating cycle.  THEN i have to hear that i'm not/haven't been what someone thinks i should have been and i am HURT and feel GUILTY b/c i'm NOT the same person i was 10, 15, 20 or 30 years ago.  guess what?  I'M NOT!!!!  i am better and soooo different in a lot of ways than i was then.  and my life is quite full.  to be very brutally truthful, i'm not really sure why this hurts so much other than i feel like i've let someone down.  and i haven't.  at all.  i'm just not what they need.  and i can't be.  i AM everything i need to be right now: MOTHER, WIFE, LOVER,TEACHER. LEADER, FRIEND -  i have nothing to apologize for.  so i won't anymore.  maybe i can't drop everything and run out and do completely for myself - lunches, movies, hair salon trips, shopping trips, get-aways w/"the girls" and such . . . wanna know why?  B/C right now is not about ME.  it's about Dale, and my children and my little odd jobs.  guess what else?  from now till the end of my time, IT ALWAYS WILL BE.  i don't neglect me or treat myself badly, i DO need moments for myself, yes, but i ceased to be only me 18 years ago.  and added to that 16, 13 and 10 years ago.  and i'm happy with this!!!!!  very much so!!  my babies will be grown and gone soon enough - then i WILL have time to do a lot more for me or with others but right now i'm needed HERE.  in THIS capacity.  including people in this crazy life is NO problem.  i welcome it in fact.  BUT for most of them, their lives are just as full and crazy as mine.  maybe that's what it boils down to - most of the people i'm friends with have the SAME lifestyle i do - families, homes, jobs, ball games, scout meetings . . . i have friends who don't have all this and we manage to do things together, don't get me wrong but it's a little difficult to blend the two sometimes.  not always, just sometimes.  and that's when i start feeling guilty.  which is wrong of me.  them being a part of my family is WONDERFUL and VERY WELCOME.  but it hurts when i can't include them as much as they'd like in my own little circle of 5 here.  and i feel i need to apologize for that.  BUT I DON'T really.  am i making ANY sense at all?  or am i just going "out there"?  does anyone understand where i'm coming from?  why do i want to cry now?  somebody give me a pat and tell me it's ok . . .

Thursday, November 3, 2011

GRRR!

anybody who remembers me as a kid knows i didn't back down often.  but i've got a child who does.  and i know it's just because he's too compassionate and sweet hearted to rear back at anyone but DAMNED if i'd let half the bullshit he puts up with happen.  espcially since it's costing his dad's hard earned money to replace stuff.  how in the living hell does ONE child manage to have stuff "stolen" or taken and ruined so damn much????  one of the brats on my sons ball team came up behind him, punched him on an already bruised up arm and ran off with his jacket!!!  ok, so it was just a jerzees sweatshirt jacket, not really expensive BUT it was zach's.  and this kid is tiny, zach is NOT.  zach's jacket would basically swallow the other kid.  BUT it apparently got left behind in a school gym about 30 miles from here.  :P  little punk.  i'm sorry but if that had been ME, i would have chased the fucker down, KNOCKED him down and got my shit back.  man, people KNEW better than to mess with me as a kid b/c they didn't know if would go postal or not so they erred on the side of caution and left me the hell alone.  the one or two who were dumb enough to try my honor on got FOOLED.  no licks were passed per se but they got the flippin message.  zach bless his heart just takes it.  and i guess i should be grateful that he's NOT the retaliation kind but  . . . come on!!!  i am gonna sound hypocritical for a moment and say that i think the world public has placed WAY too much emphasis on this bullying thing.  it has gotten out of hand.  kids are cruel.  i know this b/c i WAS one.  yeah, i was as bad as everybody else.  i laughed at others, talked about others, didn't do too much directly picking on others but i went along with the crowd sometimes.  i think we all do.  hopefull we learn better.  maybe that's why i try sooooo hard now to be compassionate and forgiving and loving towards others.  i don't know.  but i DO know that there's no way in hell that kid would have had my stuff tonight.  his family was there at the ball game.  zach could have gone to one of them and said something.  but i think maybe he didn't b/c he figured the other kid might give him worse hell about something else.  or put another bruise on him.  i firmly believe in "turn the other cheek" but damn.  sometimes you gotta slap back.  not all the time but sometimes it's the only way to deal with someone.  i'm NOT condoning violence, just let someone know you won't be run over.  and if it takes getting physical, well . . . it's NOT the answer to every situation.  and i do think we have to learn as children what to respond to and what to let go.  sometimes it's not worth reducing yourself to the level of an idiot and behaving the same way they do.  well, most of the time actually.  but when it's needed, DO IT.  and don't apologize.  especially if it gets the message across.  bottom line is now i have to go buy my kid another jacket.  even if i mention it to his mom or whoever, the kid will deny it and since the jacket is long gone it would be hard to prove he took it.  :P  so i'll let it go and do what i have to do.  but it burns me up!!!!  guess you can tell from my language that i am PISSED.  but i'll get over it.  and who knows . . . maybe someone will come across that jacket and have a need for it.  maybe it will go to good use for someone.  i do think things happen for a reason but i would have taken reason BACK on this occasion.  i love my boy though and can't be too angry with him.  it's just not his nature to "fight back".  he's too busy smiling and loving life.  he's a good kid and i wish i had half his compassion and generosity.  unfortunately, it has caused and will cause him to be a door mat.  ok, rant over.  need sleep.  behave y'all.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

maybe this ain't the right time to get into this but . . . i guess it's true.  men and women are soooooo different.  and yet the same.  uh, yeah, i know y'all have this figured out already - we have innies they have outies - oh, sorry.  was i not s'posed to say that???  oops.  anyhoo, i know it all comes down to those little gene thingys racing around our bodies or DNA or whatever but it's weird how it works.  and how it makes us sooo attracted to each other.  i'm not sure where i'm going with this but . . . i guess it tends to amaze me sometimes when men REACT to women.  as in react to their dress, their hair, their walk - their hornymones completely run rampant sometimes.  not EVERY time but when they do and a woman responds with a cold, calcuated shut down they sit back like little boys and go "what the -".  they tend to believe THAT'S the reaction we want.  the catcalls.  the whistles.  the vulgar remarks.  a lick of their lips to show us EXACTLY what's on their minds - oh and it's almost always OUR fault they reacted this way.  i know women can behave this way too but not nearly as often or with the same emphatic nature as men.  unfortunately, a woman's emotional response to the seemingly innocent (in his veiw) comment or gesture is what jades us women to men - we get tired of that kind of reaction.  most men i know don't realize they've reacted in this manner and it really does boggle their minds - "you dressed in sexy manner or gave me a look or a certain smile and i thought that meant you were ready and willing or wanted someone to say looked good enought to eat so i told you what i thought you wanted to hear and now you're yelling at me that i'm a pig.  i don't understand . . . "  this is what rolls through their brain as we fume and rage and stomp our outrageously priced stilletos.  it really does confuse them.  and they don't know how to make it better.  it's hard to do but maybe we women need to remember that they are only doing what comes natural.  their only doing what God or Mother Nature or whomever has programmed them to do.  some women would say that men need to learn to read women and their signals better - "is a puzzlement" to quote "King" from the movie the King & I.  like i said, we're so opposite it's not funny.  BUT that's what makes us and love and sex and stuff so great.  B/C we're opposite.  and we're alike b/c even though men give the cat calls and whistles, somewhere in their furry little chests they TOO want love and companionship.  they've just never quite figured out how to get there.  men, when we dress a certain way or walk a certain way or whatever, YES, it IS to get attention.  but not cheap attention.  and not always from you.  sometimes it's simply for OURSELVES.  to show OURSELVES that we are beautiful, capable, smart, funny, loving creatures.  somtimes it's simply to show our inner self, our "power" so to speak, our ability to be a woman.  and as much as we want attention, we don't neccessarily want YOUR attention.  no one please take this blog as me thinking i am some kind of expert - this whole shebang is my opinion, nothing more.  but i hope i have expressed what a lot of women feel.  take it however you like.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

see?  i got thoughts boiling already.  wow.  who knew? 

ANGER.  big word.  lots of types.  i'm one of those people with a QUICK trigger.  yeah, i know, that's not good.  especially when certain people get the brunt of it.  but when i go off, I GO OFF.  and over stoopid stuffs.  my kids are soooo gonna have a TON of fodder for some therapist one day.  half the time i'm not really sure why i'm angry, i just react.  i don't throw things or hit things - or people.  although there have been times when . . . i do slam doors and stuff like that.  and here back in the summer i gave myself a GOOD injury to my hand when i slammed 'em REALLY hard on the edge of the kitchen sink.  my right hand has still not gotten over that and it has become difficult to grip things without pain.  can't blame anybody but me though.  doesn't matter who or what i was angry over.  i shouldn't have reacted that way. 

i tend to get pissy over things like stoopid drivers.  (yes, i know i've misspelled that word twice.  deal w/it.)  but it gets me when people don't use turn signals or pull out in front of me and then go 2 1/2 miles an hour.  ok, i have a lead foot which doesn't help.  i also get annoyed when i see these BIG ASS trucks taking up both lanes on these BAD state highways we have around here.  and i probably shouldn't admit it but i will play chicken w/the f*ckers and MAKE 'em move.  most of these actions usually gets a laugh from my hubby who's riding shotgun AND the promise of a shock collar.  try it big boy.


but i also get ticked at things when they don't work right the first time or they don't work right at all.  and there i go.  sometimes even w/tears.  that's not really anger though right?  isn't it called frustration?  geez.  i be fwustwated a LOT!  (don't go there cheeky ones)

mostly i get ticked at myself.  and buddy can i give myself a hard time.  NO ONE can rake me over worse than myself.  in fact, i've dealt with a WHOLE nuther side of me for damn near 40 years now.  and that side HATES me.  she does!  and tells me all kinds of negative junk.  about me.  and i believe it.  :P  that makes me a doofus right? 

THEN there's the stress.  HA!  knew that was coming didn't you?  i eat stress like candy.  just let is consume me sometimes.  :P  i now have completel screwed up my left jaw - it's out of alignment.  and it HURTS.  i have had a habit of grinding my teeth or clenching my jaws when i'm pissed.  and after all these years of this BS, i have harmed myself.  way to go self!  i've learned to catch this habit lately though.  now to just get the headaches under control . . .

behind all this baloney comes the GUILT.  oooooh!  scary word!  GUILT.  yeah, i DO feel bad when i've gone off the deep end and i DO try to make amends when and where needed.  don't always get forgiven but . . .

so, yeah, i've had a BAD MOOD evening.  i've smoked a few more Marlboros than i should.  (i know, nasty habit - bite me)  i've used a few more choice words than i should. (i have a mouth like a sailor sometimes)  i wondered if the rum in the cabinet would go good w/dr. pepper.  didn't find out.  i drink occasionally.  sometimes lately though it seems like a good drunk would do the trick.  yeah, i know.  it would only cause a hangover and MORE GUILT.  in that case . . .

how angry do YOU get sometimes?  over what?  do you think i need help?  a nice HUG MYSELF jacket & rubber room? 

i'll feel better in the morning don't worry.  my anger flies away as quick as it shows up most of the time.  and those that matter know i'm not angry with them.  and they understand me.  good thing they do. cause i don't understand myself. 

hello

hi there!  i am very new at this so give me a while to figure out just what to post on here.  it will mostly be my thoughts and musings but i may decide to share poetry or short stories from time to time.  and i will happily look forward to replies and criticisms.  feel free to be honest - i need that.