Thursday, October 27, 2016


i was doing so well for a while.  I was smiling, energetic, taking steps towards a better me inside and out.  and somehow, I lost my way.  school started for two of my monkeys, my oldest sons work schedule started to interfere, the days started getting shorter little by little, hubby's been gone at work most of the time, I wound up serving on grand jury here locally (and boy has THAT been fun for my nightmares!) Dale's income has been, well, really BAD for a LOT of this year so we've been struggling there, I had to go back on medication to level a few things out, I have NOT been the friend I should have to LOTS of people ... I could keep going with this list.  and I'm not sure how I got here or why I am still here.  I keep saying I'm gonna do better, get myself back on a track but it seems like I just don't have the strength or courage to do it.  there seems to be a big pall over a lot of people if I really look hard.  I think this year has been quite a mess for a LOT of people and the current public climate is NOT helping.  little things are dividing so many people right now, putting walls and other barriers back into places they had been torn down.  you really have to wonder what energy is flowing all over us right now and will it end anytime soon.  and you wonder if the energy is our own making or something else?  is it an amalgam of despair and negative, painful emotions that just keeps growing and surrounding more and more people?  or has there been a cosmic shift of some kind that has energies out of whack?  is it a lack of prayer (for the very religious minded)?  I manage to keep my house mostly in order, and now that it has cooled off a bit, the yard is once again becoming more inviting instead of junky and neglected.  none of us are going hungry (as is obvious by my ever spreading ass), none of us are ill in any way (well, physically anyway), my monkeys are always able to make me laugh, and at least Dale is working, even if the paychecks are not what they should be.  I know I am supposed to keep those GOOD things in mind, the positive things, the little blessings in each day but all I seem to keep seeing are all the things I DIDN'T do, or say, or try ... I have some truly wonderful friends both here and across the globe as online friends.  but lately, we don't talk or message or anything else and I feel responsible for that.  well, I feel responsible for pretty much everything that seems to go wrong.  just the way I am.  I know friendships come and go or are heavy for a while then cool off a bit but I miss a lot of the interaction.  and to be brutally honest, I am not really sure what to say to some of them because differing opinions and such seem to make things worse these days if you believe half of what you see on social media.  and I'm not sure what to even talk about - I don't want to sound like I'm whining, I don't want to make anyone feel bad for any reason, I don't want to offend anyone ... yeah I worry about what people think.  be honest.  we all do.  that's part of our makeup.  the trick is to not let that become a focus but that's a really difficult thing to do sometimes.  but I need to keep trying I suppose.  stop finding excuses to not get up when I said I would, stop finding excuses to not get that walk in, or that few minutes of yoga, stop finding excuses for pretty much everything and get myself back where I need to be.  i'll keep saying my little mantras and meditations and prayers.  and not just for me, but for all souls everywhere.  I ask if anyone who reads this would do the same for all of us as well.  until I can gather my thoughts a bit more coherently, I bid you Namaste and peace. 

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