Friday, January 22, 2016

will i EVER learn?

life has such a beautiful habit of kicking me square in  my ass when I need it.  this morning is proof of that yet again.  I have been a real bitch lately.  and I mean BITCH.  yesterday in particular.  out of fear.  and anxiety.  and worry.  typical behavior for me.  I had been working on changing that but apparently I let myself backslide.  so, i'll start over.  it's just so damn hard to get over, get around or change LEARNED behaviors.  yes.  LEARNED.  again, my mom would argue that's not true but IT IS.  maybe she thought she was shielding such behavior in herself better but ... I soooooo beg to differ.  I know why she worried and fretted.  it's very tough being an adult and managing a house and a hubby and children.  especially in her case because SHE was the income in our home after I turned 9 years old.  working a 40+ hour a week job and managing to take care of all of us?  all of that on her head was NOT easy and yes, sometimes we got the brunt of her frustrations.  but it was seeing the way she approached most things that we learned.  with the scenario of failure or disappointment or whatever.  it wasn't being happy about what I had accomplished today, it was "omg! tomorrow's coming and it's all gonna go south!  I won't be able to do this or that! oh no!  this is gonna fail! what if I can't ...?!  what if we don't ...?!  omg!  I did something wrong and now we'll pay for it!"  yeah.  so guess how I have approached things for YEARS???  uh huh.  I have the greatest hubby.  I know, everyone who loves their other half says that.  but I do have a good one.  a patient one.  a man who really CAN stop and smell the roses.  or live for TODAY and let tomorrow take care of itself.  I cannot count the times in our 22 1/2 years of marriage that he's told me to "calm down, it's okay, baby.  we'll be all right."  and EVERY SINGLE FUCKIN TIME that s.o.b. has been right.  so I had really begun in the past year or so to try and really LIVE by his mantra.  and for a while, it was soooooo nice.  I felt better, I approached each day and obstacle in it better, and I was happier!  but then, like usual, life threw a curve ball.  and I have found myself right back into old behaviors and attitudes.  scared.  angry.  worried.  lazy.  nitpicky.  flying off the handle at stupid things.  and like usual, I got that small, quiet whatever that makes me stop dead in my tracks and go, "oh.  damn.  I behaved like an idiot and yet everything was ok."  that quiet slap is just what I needed on a lot of levels.  now the trick is to make amends where I need to and try to practice that different way of dealing that I have learned in the last little while.  and I will.  and I will backslide again at some point and have to start all over once more.  cool thing about that is, I CAN.  the universe is infinite and gives me infinite time to keep trying.  I had titled this "will I ever learn?"  I have learned.  and I will keep learning. 

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