Monday, May 5, 2014

can i change ....

can I change??  can I think differently about myself and my life?  can I finally make those concessions to myself and others?  am I capable of the forgiveness I once THOUGHT I had given to those who needed it?  and most importantly myself??  something got put into a different perspective for me this morning from a soul I have begun to trust tremendously and hearing it from this person has made a bit of difference in my very muddled thinking.  about judgements and judging others by their actions or words.  esp those judgements towards me and my actions, decisions, etc.  this person was able to give me a much more objective and honest answer to some things than I have received in a long, LONG time.  so now I have begun to really think there may be some hope for me yet.  I've still got some soul searching to do and I have to find the strength somewhere to do what I have needed to do for a large part of my life and I am so afraid I can't.  and I guess that's basically been my largest stumbling block all along.  FEAR.  I have never been a fan of surprises or change, I have always been quick to fear failure and damnation because it's what I was taught.  and yes, I've been told I can change that thinking before and gone right back to that same rut, that same way of demeaning myself, judging myself, HATING myself.  but it's so damn hard to do isn't it.  I have been able to tell others the very things I should have been listening and adhering to but couldn't do.  and I got told this morning that I had sold myself very short.  because I done some amazing things.  ME.  and I did them DESPITE all the hurtful, harmful, hateful things I have been through in 42 years.  that I had done those things ON MY OWN without realizing it despite being pushed down and misused and told I was NOT capable or able.  that I had conquered all of it, the violence, the judgements, the condescension, stumbling blocks and backwards thinking without seeing that I had done it.  I WRONGFULLY have blamed myself for a large part of it because I felt the blame had to go somewhere but I never directed it where it should go.  and that despite all of that I had been able to pass on LOVE, FORGIVENESS, UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION, BELIEF IN ONES CAPABILITIES to my children and others around me even though I could NEVER give those things to myself.  so now I have a new road in front of me.  one that may lead me to places that I should have been able to go before and could never have the courage to go.  I hope and pray I can take that road and begin to see what so many others have said is there.  see what so many others have told me I am.  see what so many others have said I have done and can do.  maybe the blinders will finally come down, maybe that wall will not just crack but break.  maybe the "me" I should have allowed myself to be will finally be able to emerge.  not the "me" certain people felt I should have been but the ME that was MEANT to be.  pray for me.  forgive me.  I have a long way to go.  but maybe this time i'll get there.