Friday, January 31, 2014

been a while eh? I'M BACK!!!!!!

had an interesting little message on my facebook page this morning.  from a man I have great respect for.  a Dr. of theology, teacher (of theology among other things), a good man.  he didn't like my little rant on FB yest and asked if I would remove it because he said it was inappropriate.  and he was right.  I WAS overboard with it and I did remove the post. BUT (and this is bigger than the mahoosive one I drag around behind myself daily) it got me to thinking.  yeah, yeah, I am WELL aware of where that usually gets me ... and even though I haven't done this in a LOOOOONNNNGGG time, I've got to get something off my chest. 

I'm not sure just how many people KNOW me.  I mean really know who I am, how I behave, things I do when I'm not in front of others and on my best behavior so here goes.  I am a LOUD, foul-mouthed, short-tempered, afraid of EVERYTHING IN LIFE, punkish, heavy metal adoring, tattooed (only 1 SO FAR, there WILL be more), irreverent but God-fearing, mixed-up broad!!  I SMOKE (don't get on my case), I drink occasionally (sometimes a little too much), I am jealous, sometimes overbearing, opinionated (although I DO TRY to keep an open mind and remember NOT to be judgemental), I have a MESSY house ( I HATE house work - I'm avoiding it right now as I type this), I tend to drive like I'm Richard Petty, I can be VERY lazy, I don't like the outdoors, I HATE shopping, I LOVE to read, music is part of my daily life, I HATE surprises, don't handle changes well and get nervous in "crowd" situations.  I could go on and on but I think this will suffice for now.

to put these two paragraphs together, my point is that I don't normally post a lot of what I feel or use language I would normally use in conversation on my FB page.  simply because I know it would shock some people to see my blatant use of the words "fuck" or "fucker"  and they would (and have) tell me how inappropriate the word is.  I sometimes want to just scream DEAL WITH IT!!!  I LIKE THE WAY THAT WORD SOUNDS AND I'LL USE IT IF I WANT!!! but I remember that there are young people who read my comments on their pages or their families pages and I would like to TRY and set a decent example and show that I CAN behave appropriately.  and sometimes it really isn't necessary to use such language.  I just do it because I can.  but then again, WHY should I be anyone or anything else other than who I am?  a sailor-mouthed, smoking, big-mouthed broad!!  why should I sugar coat any part of my personality?  why do we all NOT let our true selves BE our true selves ALL THE TIME??  ha HA!!!  proof of my contradictory nature!!!  I answered my own question just a few sentences ago.  because I do try to set a better example to others (esp. children) that I can BE well-spoken, well-mannered and almost lady-like.  because I am THAT TOO!!!  no, I DON'T run around using vulgarity ALL the damn time!!!  I TRY to be polite when smoking in public and I am learning that people really do treat one "different" if they see a tattoo on another's body somewhere (mine is VERY visible.  lower inside part of my right arm.)  ok, I'm rambling. 

I don't really know how to word all this or what (if anything) I'm trying to ask anyone who actually READS this blog .... just wondering how people would find it if they knew ALL of me?? the "upstanding" woman they see in public AND the expletive loving, so far from ladylike broad I usually am??

better yet, HOW would they react if they knew the me that I keep well hidden?  the terrified me who cringes at everything?  the one who is afraid of living?  the one who was sexually abused by not 1, not 2 but FOUR MEN between the ages of 10 and 19 with the possibility of at least two others?  the last abuse being a flat out RAPE at 19??  the woman who is so damned afraid of flying and water that I REFUSE to entertain the idea of going to Hawaii with my husband some day so he can see where he was born?  the woman who daily gets more and more introverted because she's afraid of being judged so damn harshly about her weight, her smoking, her big mouth?  the woman who doesn't believe in dreams because she was taught they are frivolous, meaningless ideas/ideals that are more pain than  possibility???  this woman who worries over EVERYTHING to the point of making herself sick sometimes?  and KNOWS better?  the woman who for YEARS was completely INCAPABLE of crying because it was seen as a HUGE weakness and waste of time to FEEL, DEAL with whatever was going on??  would they say I'm just a whiner now?  someone who is rolling in self-pity just to get attention??? 

I won't give ANY excuses for my behavior over 42 years.  if I've done wrong, there is no excuse.  maybe a REASON BEHIND the behavior but NO excuse.  and if I have wronged anyone (and I KNOW I have) I AM SORRY.  truly.  no explanations needed. 

and again, I am rambling.  just got a little miffed at being asked to remove a vulgarity, anger laced post from my FB page even though he was right.  just wondering why I have to behave one way "in public" and I am free and comfortable behaving like ME the rest of the time.  wondering why we put on different mantles or cloaks or faces just to seem better than we are or more civilized than we may be so easily when we keep repeating to others to "just be yourself".  myself is a walking ball of confusion and contradiction.  myself is big-mouthed and loud.  myself is a punk at heart.  myself is oddball.  myself is trying to be myself.  and learning that I need to quit letting others tell me who I am or should be.  learning what it means to "be myself", FULLY myself, warts and all, and let others take it or leave it. 

ok.  rant over.  going to do some housework now.  and be irreverent.  and use the word FUCK as many times as I want to today.  and fight with this goddamned BRA that is cutting me in two!!!! 

go be YOU.