Monday, October 20, 2014

sanity

title of this particular post may not quite "match" the BS I 'm probably about to spout and I may use it again down the road, so beware.  BUT, I am going to try (as of today), to make this blog a weekly thing.  for me and for you. for me, so I can maybe get some of the clutter OUT of my head, sort it, see it from a different view (with your help), you know.  kind of a cathartic release on my end.  and for you purely for entertainment.  yeah, I see you sitting there going "OMG!! NO!!"  "how much can one daffy heifer spout?!"  hey.  you're reading it so who's the daffy-er one!!  anyhoo, that being said, I had been kinda stewing on what topic I might broach first and I kept coming up with decent thoughts but to be honest, right now it's all a massive jumble in there and what I WAS gonna sound off about is looking a bit flat to me right now so I tried going back to another something that had caught my attention in the last few days, only I don't know quite how to approach that one either, and then all these thoughts go spinning and flying around in my head to the point where I begin to question my own sanity because nothing I say makes any sense.  damn that was a long ass sentence.  see?  THAT should tell you my sanity is definitely in question.   well, if this blog thing works out, believe me when I say you will most surely question more than my sanity from time to time as I  am sure I will go from pleasant to asshole in 0.5 seconds and back again.  I will whine from time to time, bitch and moan about how unfair things are or how my anxiety has taken over again (as it is trying to do at this very moment) or how I want to strangle my offspring one day to "loving them so much!" the next.  be prepared to shake your head and go "what the hell is she smoking today?"  which by the way, I OFFICIALLY have had to quit smoking for once and all.  for good.  it's helping keep my vertigo flaring and I kinda don't like that swimmy-headed, fuzzy feeling.  so good-bye Marlboro's.  ok.  OK!!! stop clapping and cheering now!!!!  ok.  where was I?  oh yeah.  I may say things that will offend or make you angry and if I do, please have the balls to let me know.  I am not perfect and definitely do NOT know everything (although sometimes I am convinced I do - hey!  I'm human.)
so I will say things that not everyone agrees with.  just please know that I by no means expect everyone to agree with me either.  and I like it that way.  and if you really want to know just how much to question my sanity, I am listening to Christmas music as I write this.  just because I wanna.  Amy Grant to be specific.  gimmie 5 minutes and it'll be Rob Zombie ....... yeah.  hang on and come with if you're brave enough. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

can i change ....

can I change??  can I think differently about myself and my life?  can I finally make those concessions to myself and others?  am I capable of the forgiveness I once THOUGHT I had given to those who needed it?  and most importantly myself??  something got put into a different perspective for me this morning from a soul I have begun to trust tremendously and hearing it from this person has made a bit of difference in my very muddled thinking.  about judgements and judging others by their actions or words.  esp those judgements towards me and my actions, decisions, etc.  this person was able to give me a much more objective and honest answer to some things than I have received in a long, LONG time.  so now I have begun to really think there may be some hope for me yet.  I've still got some soul searching to do and I have to find the strength somewhere to do what I have needed to do for a large part of my life and I am so afraid I can't.  and I guess that's basically been my largest stumbling block all along.  FEAR.  I have never been a fan of surprises or change, I have always been quick to fear failure and damnation because it's what I was taught.  and yes, I've been told I can change that thinking before and gone right back to that same rut, that same way of demeaning myself, judging myself, HATING myself.  but it's so damn hard to do isn't it.  I have been able to tell others the very things I should have been listening and adhering to but couldn't do.  and I got told this morning that I had sold myself very short.  because I done some amazing things.  ME.  and I did them DESPITE all the hurtful, harmful, hateful things I have been through in 42 years.  that I had done those things ON MY OWN without realizing it despite being pushed down and misused and told I was NOT capable or able.  that I had conquered all of it, the violence, the judgements, the condescension, stumbling blocks and backwards thinking without seeing that I had done it.  I WRONGFULLY have blamed myself for a large part of it because I felt the blame had to go somewhere but I never directed it where it should go.  and that despite all of that I had been able to pass on LOVE, FORGIVENESS, UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION, BELIEF IN ONES CAPABILITIES to my children and others around me even though I could NEVER give those things to myself.  so now I have a new road in front of me.  one that may lead me to places that I should have been able to go before and could never have the courage to go.  I hope and pray I can take that road and begin to see what so many others have said is there.  see what so many others have told me I am.  see what so many others have said I have done and can do.  maybe the blinders will finally come down, maybe that wall will not just crack but break.  maybe the "me" I should have allowed myself to be will finally be able to emerge.  not the "me" certain people felt I should have been but the ME that was MEANT to be.  pray for me.  forgive me.  I have a long way to go.  but maybe this time i'll get there. 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

power

not even sure if I should write this particular blog, don't know why I feel the need to "say" anything but I tend to write when I have something blaring in my messed-up brain and if don't get this down in front of my eyes, i'll just worry it till it festers ... and then ...

POWER!!!!!!!

I guess I really mean CONTROL in a way.  see, I've learned over the course of my sad existence that I am a control freak.  really.  I get pissed sooooooo quickly at ALL the wrong things (usually myself and something I have done/am doing).  my family has more or less learned to deal with it; dale to the extent that he just gives me that sigh, the one that says he's mentally giving me a pat on the head and saying "it's all right.  she's just uptight.", the kids just RUN.  FAST.  I am so convinced they will all 3 wind up in therapy one day telling some "doctor" how pitifully NUTS their mother was ... I just have a hard time dealing with things that don't go the way they did in my head.  yeah, that's what I said.  IN MY HEAD.  which honestly is the ONE PLACE NO ONE should EVER venture.  that's not just a maze in there, it's a fucking PRISON!!  I should know.  I've been trapped in it for 42 years.  and a lot of the time, it is THE horror house supreme!!!!  and when those things don't go the way I think they should I tend to get pissy.  like I said, mostly with myself.  and yet ... I can show the most exasperating patience at the oddest times.  exasperating for others that is.  gee marie, contradictory much??? 


anyway, this control thing ... here's where this blog is going places I really don't need to share but will for the sake of "getting my thoughts straight" (ain't THAT a laugh!!!)

I was the victim of not one, not two but at least FOUR men's sexual "dominance" in my life.  between the ages of 10 and 19.  it's highly possible there may have been one other even younger than the age of 10 by some sudden shocking thoughts but if there was I have blocked it out.  just like what I know was mostly likely the first incident.  I don't remember it.  I was asked a few years ago by a family member if I did (she was afraid I had been angry with her or blamed her all those years) and my answer I think surprised her.  I do NOT remember what happened.  I don't think I want to if I've blocked it out that effectively.  I can remember the afternoon before and the day after but not that night in particular.  wow.  and then to be "harassed" by two others in the next few years ... well ... one of them was constant until I finally just said "don't".  I was sick and scared and so damned ashamed of it for so long THEN made myself even sicker and MORE ashamed when I just said "DON'T" and it STOPPED.  wow.  that was ALL it took?  then to develop a "crush" of sorts on the other, encourage his attention, GET his attention then be terrified when I got it??  well, he physically hurt me.  THAT was NOT what I was encouraging.  and I was only 13.  and not the brightest crayon in the box.  (but still colorful - hee hee!) that encounter REALLY scared me.  I was already plagued with nightmares, this just made them worse. 

then, little old daffy me, the crazy heifer with NO dating experience (well, not much anyway) gets to college and makes the mistake of getting caught up in attention from a guy who wound up putting me in the one position I feared most.  flat on my back and under his control.  oops!!!  I was an idiot screaming for attention and didn't know how to go about getting it the RIGHT way.  and he took his shot.  and then some.  Pain?  oh yes.  there was pain.  physical pain that night that took my breath away.  but the pain that's remained in my heart and soul has been so much worse. 

now all of this has a reason to be "OUT THERE".  I was sitting in my room the other day, lost in ridiculous thought (as is often the case) having read something that made me wonder WHY girls/women who are sexually abused tend to become promiscuous.  and they/we do.  yes, I started down a path that could have become so dark and ugly it could have eaten me alive.  thank God in heaven and my husband Dale it didn't.  but those of us who find ourselves at the mercy and CONTROL of someone else's sexual hang-ups DO tend to start screwing everything in sight.  or trying to.  or making people believe we will.  and i kept wondering why as i sat there ...

and SLAP!!!  it hit me.  it is a CONTROL thing.  when you're in that position, some man (or woman as the case may be) is fondling you, petting you, brushing against you, saying raunchy things to you, offering to DO things to you or begging YOU to do things to them (and smiling when they say "you'll love it") ALL YOUR CONTROL GOES OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW!!!! every ounce.  fear and shame take over and you allow yourself to be completely dominated, humiliated and used in the worst way possible.  and I'm only talking about those encounters where it's NOT forced.  if it's an encounter where anger and force are used, where someone SCARES THE PISS OUT OF YOU and FORCES you to do what they want ... oh blue hell.  i AM grateful that never happened to me ... but it did happen to someone i love very much and sometimes i would like to break the offenders neck!!!  I'm just talking about those people who use honey to catch the flies.  where you really don't realize that first innocent brush of the hand was not so innocent.  or that weird lump you feel when you get a hug is not quite a raging hard-on but could be in seconds.  or that hand slips up during that hug and pinches the nipple so quickly you may have even missed it's happening at that moment.  or the innuendo spoken in a hushed voice with their eyes literally crawling all over you.  your control, your resolve, hell even your good sense just goes "bye bye"!  and the longer it happens, the more your control diminishes until you find yourself just going along with whatever as if it's normal.  and you know damn well it's not.  you begin to hate yourself (as well as the offender), you wait for incident to happen just to get it out of the way! 

and somewhere along the line ... somehow ... it turns on you.  and you being to LOOK for that kind of attention.  and you begin to EXPECT that kind of attention.  and you start wanting that kind of attention.  from every man.  because you mistakenly believe that's the ONLY way to get ANY kind of attention.  oh hell. 

and i sat there and it hit me.  literally. you do it because you want the CONTROL.  YOU want to be the one who calls the shots.  YOU want to be one who dominates the situation.  even though you KNOW in the back of your screwy mind somewhere that you STILL are the one being used.  you think you can make it happen on YOUR terms now though.  you can have the upper hand.  HA!!!  are you KIDDING???  control.  you hit on the guys instead of waiting to be hit on.  you pour yourself all over them, flirt (if you can call it that), tease, tell them just what you think they want to hear, spread your legs and let them have at it because you THINK you're in control of the situation.  because you WANT control of the situation.  because somewhere along the line it left and you want it back.  you lose all self-respect, pride and CONTROL over and over because you mistakenly believe it's the only thing you can do. 

control.  funny word if you keep saying it over and over.  but that's what it boils down to.  those men had all the control years ago and ha ha ha.  it hit me that they still did.  because i had suffered the nightmares and night terrors for all those long years.  i had cried when no one knew.  i had been so ashamed and embarrassed.  (THEY SURE AS HELL WEREN'T).  i had allowed their abuse to take me over completely.  i lost myself and at some point didn't even care.  i chased the boys (and later the men).  i made suggestions and offers that would make st. peter blush.  i said things and did things and let myself get caught up "oh!  i got your attention!  now to keep it!"  and did i?  no.  do most "victims"?  no.  because even though i THOUGHT i was now in control of the situation(s) i wasn't.  did they screw me and go?  in a couple of cases, yes.  is that the norm?  yes.  you have one of the most precious gifts you are given and can give perverted and destroyed and you find yourself using that very gift against yourself.  you don't like the way it makes you feel when someone is caressing you or fondling you when you DIDN'T ask for it but you wind up begging for that very behavior later on because it's somehow become the norm in your thinking.  you need to be one holding the power and control. 

and you don't know how to do it.  but you keep trying.  and keep allowing them to screw you.  literally and figuratively.  oh yeah, there's a modicum of sexual pleasure in it. it physically feels good.  mostly.  ok, damn near all the time.  so you keep doing it!!!  never realizing what exactly you're doing!  not stopping to think about the fact that for most men (sorry guys, i don't mean to be harsh or cruel) it strictly IS all about the physical pleasure.  excuse me for saying this but a man will pretty much stick his dick into ANYTHING.  because sex for them IS so physical.  women tend to need and get more out of sex emotionally.  but emotions don't come into play by this point.  we just want the attention.  and we get it however we can.  we do it with the hope of getting the emotional side yes, but mostly we do it to regain the power and control.  and we are let down time after time (by ourselves) because we give the physical and get nothing back.  he picks you up in the bar or whatever situation you find yourself in, takes you somewhere (maybe just the back seat of his car) fucks you, and NEVER sees you again. 

and you repeat this behavior (some of us for YEARS) until you wake up and realize it has NOTHING to do with sex at ALL.  it's the missing, warped, crushed, damaged parts of you that cry out so loud to get back the control, the power, the innocence, the happiness you lost the first time someone misused all the good things in you.  you do it to try and lift that darkness out, to bring the light back, to repair the hurt, the anger, the shame, the fear.  and you fail.  but kudos for determination!!  (ok, so that wasn't funny.)

control.  power.  i have let these men that took those wonderful parts of me and warped/destroyed them have just that all these years.  wow.  i sat there and was dumbfounded.  really?  had i really been that lost?  i have said i forgave these men long ago.  and i meant it i thought.  i have forgiven them.  they did me wrong yes, but they had something somewhere in them that wasn't right and didn't know how to change it or handle it.  and even if they did and didn't seem to care at the time, they were under the power of something stronger than the good that i believe was there too.  i have forgiven them, yes.  but have i ever forgiven ME?  i don't know.  i don't think so.  to be honest, i don't know if i can.  it sounds to much like excusing any bad choices i made later.  "oh, i can't be blamed for wanting to hump everything in sight.  i can't be blamed for deliberately making an unwise decision where men are concerned.  i was not in my right mind."  yeah.  right.  i made those choices and there is NEVER an excuse for doing wrong.  BUT i can understand WHY i made those choices.  and i can understand why other women (or men - there are cases of women being the abusers too!) make those choices.  it doesn't excuse our behavior but it does explain it.  we're given a choice we should never have to make.  we're put into situations in which we have no voice, no choice, no understanding.  and it changes our thinking. 

guess it's time to change my thinking again.  and realize that i can (and have been able to) take the power and control BACK.  that i don't have to let those memories rule my thinking about myself or sex or love.  or my warped ideas of all three.  that i let those men and their actions rule me when they shouldn't have.  that the way to GET the control and the power back was to say "ok.  you showed me the wrong way to do things, you HURT me, you damaged me to some point.  but I DON'T have to let you or your actions dominate my life!"  i can let go.  took me long enough eh?  well, some of us don't get the point on the first try. 

sexual abuse victims tend to become promiscuous.  yes.  sexual abuse victims tend to become harsh and jaded.  yes.  sexual abuse victims tend to lose themselves.  yes.  sexual abuse victims tend to make unwise choices.  yes.  sexual abuse victims tend to let their shame and guilt bleed into every other facet of their lives.  yes.  sexual abuse victims tend to slowly lose control and power over themselves.  yes.  and desperately try to get it back.  yes.  and we can. sometimes it takes us years of heartache and attempts but we can .  I'm learning how to do just that.  maybe i'll make it. 

Friday, January 31, 2014

been a while eh? I'M BACK!!!!!!

had an interesting little message on my facebook page this morning.  from a man I have great respect for.  a Dr. of theology, teacher (of theology among other things), a good man.  he didn't like my little rant on FB yest and asked if I would remove it because he said it was inappropriate.  and he was right.  I WAS overboard with it and I did remove the post. BUT (and this is bigger than the mahoosive one I drag around behind myself daily) it got me to thinking.  yeah, yeah, I am WELL aware of where that usually gets me ... and even though I haven't done this in a LOOOOONNNNGGG time, I've got to get something off my chest. 

I'm not sure just how many people KNOW me.  I mean really know who I am, how I behave, things I do when I'm not in front of others and on my best behavior so here goes.  I am a LOUD, foul-mouthed, short-tempered, afraid of EVERYTHING IN LIFE, punkish, heavy metal adoring, tattooed (only 1 SO FAR, there WILL be more), irreverent but God-fearing, mixed-up broad!!  I SMOKE (don't get on my case), I drink occasionally (sometimes a little too much), I am jealous, sometimes overbearing, opinionated (although I DO TRY to keep an open mind and remember NOT to be judgemental), I have a MESSY house ( I HATE house work - I'm avoiding it right now as I type this), I tend to drive like I'm Richard Petty, I can be VERY lazy, I don't like the outdoors, I HATE shopping, I LOVE to read, music is part of my daily life, I HATE surprises, don't handle changes well and get nervous in "crowd" situations.  I could go on and on but I think this will suffice for now.

to put these two paragraphs together, my point is that I don't normally post a lot of what I feel or use language I would normally use in conversation on my FB page.  simply because I know it would shock some people to see my blatant use of the words "fuck" or "fucker"  and they would (and have) tell me how inappropriate the word is.  I sometimes want to just scream DEAL WITH IT!!!  I LIKE THE WAY THAT WORD SOUNDS AND I'LL USE IT IF I WANT!!! but I remember that there are young people who read my comments on their pages or their families pages and I would like to TRY and set a decent example and show that I CAN behave appropriately.  and sometimes it really isn't necessary to use such language.  I just do it because I can.  but then again, WHY should I be anyone or anything else other than who I am?  a sailor-mouthed, smoking, big-mouthed broad!!  why should I sugar coat any part of my personality?  why do we all NOT let our true selves BE our true selves ALL THE TIME??  ha HA!!!  proof of my contradictory nature!!!  I answered my own question just a few sentences ago.  because I do try to set a better example to others (esp. children) that I can BE well-spoken, well-mannered and almost lady-like.  because I am THAT TOO!!!  no, I DON'T run around using vulgarity ALL the damn time!!!  I TRY to be polite when smoking in public and I am learning that people really do treat one "different" if they see a tattoo on another's body somewhere (mine is VERY visible.  lower inside part of my right arm.)  ok, I'm rambling. 

I don't really know how to word all this or what (if anything) I'm trying to ask anyone who actually READS this blog .... just wondering how people would find it if they knew ALL of me?? the "upstanding" woman they see in public AND the expletive loving, so far from ladylike broad I usually am??

better yet, HOW would they react if they knew the me that I keep well hidden?  the terrified me who cringes at everything?  the one who is afraid of living?  the one who was sexually abused by not 1, not 2 but FOUR MEN between the ages of 10 and 19 with the possibility of at least two others?  the last abuse being a flat out RAPE at 19??  the woman who is so damned afraid of flying and water that I REFUSE to entertain the idea of going to Hawaii with my husband some day so he can see where he was born?  the woman who daily gets more and more introverted because she's afraid of being judged so damn harshly about her weight, her smoking, her big mouth?  the woman who doesn't believe in dreams because she was taught they are frivolous, meaningless ideas/ideals that are more pain than  possibility???  this woman who worries over EVERYTHING to the point of making herself sick sometimes?  and KNOWS better?  the woman who for YEARS was completely INCAPABLE of crying because it was seen as a HUGE weakness and waste of time to FEEL, DEAL with whatever was going on??  would they say I'm just a whiner now?  someone who is rolling in self-pity just to get attention??? 

I won't give ANY excuses for my behavior over 42 years.  if I've done wrong, there is no excuse.  maybe a REASON BEHIND the behavior but NO excuse.  and if I have wronged anyone (and I KNOW I have) I AM SORRY.  truly.  no explanations needed. 

and again, I am rambling.  just got a little miffed at being asked to remove a vulgarity, anger laced post from my FB page even though he was right.  just wondering why I have to behave one way "in public" and I am free and comfortable behaving like ME the rest of the time.  wondering why we put on different mantles or cloaks or faces just to seem better than we are or more civilized than we may be so easily when we keep repeating to others to "just be yourself".  myself is a walking ball of confusion and contradiction.  myself is big-mouthed and loud.  myself is a punk at heart.  myself is oddball.  myself is trying to be myself.  and learning that I need to quit letting others tell me who I am or should be.  learning what it means to "be myself", FULLY myself, warts and all, and let others take it or leave it. 

ok.  rant over.  going to do some housework now.  and be irreverent.  and use the word FUCK as many times as I want to today.  and fight with this goddamned BRA that is cutting me in two!!!! 

go be YOU.