i'm sitting here w/tears in my eyes and racing thoughts once again. it's one AM and i need to be in the bed but i'm sitting here thinking too much. wanna hear this one? really? i have to tell you i amaze myself. i'm sure those of you who know me get tired of my insulting myself or not realizing/seeing what all of you see or whatever.
you know i've been told all my life just how beautiful i am. and i think you're all full of bullshit. really. this gets compounded just a few moments ago when i took a good look at the french manicure nails i gave myself earlier. see, part of me does this with the nails b/c it makes me feel almost pretty for a moment. but only a moment. b/c then i look at these lady-like nails on these HUGE masculine, UGLY hands and think to myself, "YOU IDIOT!" and it looks so out of place on such a drudge like me . . . and i literally just sat here and started crying b/c i truly feel like an idiot now for having done such a girly thing as my nails. and it hits me. like i said, i've been told all my life how beautiful i am (inside and out) and yet here i sit a 380 pound, vulgar mouthed, lazy-assed bitch who's listened to this raging, maniacal voice in her head telling her she's ugly and so forth and it hits me. did i deliberately LET myself get in this condition b/c of "her"? that voice? did i somehow MAKE myself ugly b/c i was convinced i am???? how stupid is that? i'm literally sitting her with that voice in my head SCREAMING at me - "who the fuck do you think you are? do you think ANYONE will call you beautiful just b/c of those nails? do you think ANYONE is impressed?? does it make you something you're soooo not to put on these nails and that make-up and flat-iron that limp, half-bald head of ridiculous hair??? do you REALLY believe that when people smile at you that they're smiling b/c they like you or think you look good at that moment? NO!!!! they're laughing at you, and giving you a moment of their time ONLY to be polite!'' may sound crazy but THAT'S how my head works. and has for 40 long damn years. it's crazy. I'M crazy. as a fuckin betsybug!!!! all i can see now is a silly broad in grungy at home clothes sitting here with these nails that belong on a woman sooooo far different from me - really marie??? over nails????
why won't she shut up?? why does she hate me so??? why do i care?? why do i listen???
i know, i know, if i hate my body so much, change it. fix it. lose weight. get some vitamins to help my hair grow back and thicken up. yeah. easier said than done. and yeah, i know, stop putting myself down. stop being so hard on myself. stop second guessing myself. stop believing those negative thoughts and try some positives out. i've heard the suggestion to say something positive about myself every day. i wind up laughing or crying b/c i sound like a fool.
somebody whack me with a two-by or something; maybe it'll knock some sense into me . . . . better yet, shoot me with a 12 guage and put me out of EVERYONE'S misery . . . (i'm NOT suicidal, just rambling - don't go there and don't worry)
i know i'm gonna get some responses to this one; things i've heard before. and it never makes a difference. but go ahead. let me have it.
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