Monday, December 26, 2011

good-bye 2011, hello 2012

well, this has been one hell of a year.  the beginning was really heartbreaking b/c we had been served w/papers of foreclosure on our home.  one of the worst things we'd ever been through.  BUT through God's grace and a MASSIVE tax-return, we were able to save our home.  one blockade gone.  Dale was still out of work at that time though (thanks to some bad luck and a doctor who could have done things differently) but by the beginning of summer he was gainfully employed again.  that was not long after my aunt Lou came to live w/us due to her rapidly failing health.  she lost her battle with whatever was going on in Sept. a couple of weeks after a lady i had called friend for years lost her own battle with cancer.  my children took both deaths hard - maddie still has days where she cries for auntie.  but it's getting better.  i myself went through things during that time i wasn't ready for and didn't really handle them well.  but i'm getting better too.  lots of folks i know had a hard year.  i and pray that 2012 will bless us all.  i don't usually make resolutions or things BUT i think i will set a goal or too and actually TRY to reach them this time.  one of which being to FINISH one or the other of what is now TWO manuscripts and then see if i have the guts to try and get them published.  yes, i said published.  me, a writer.  for real.  i think i actually can do this.  Lord knows it's been a lifelong dream of mine but i've always felt stupid using my name in the same sentence with that word.  however, i have had the encouragement of a few lovely, sincere people and i think i really can do this.  a lot of these people don't even know me from Adam's housecat but they seem to genuinely like my writing; they give me constant encouragement and hope.  i am also gonna do a few things to get myself on better footing to deal with "stuff".  if i can lose a few more pounds that would be nice too.  but i've got to work on getting my head a little more straightened out first.  (it's not a great place to be most days)  and i can do this too.  i've always had the support of a wonderful man and he is pleased that i intend to make a few changes - and that i'm doing it for myself, not to make anyone else happy. i hope 2012 will bring good things to all of us . . . not money and such but peace of mind, heart and soul.  those things will lead to the material things that we need.  maybe by this time next year i will be able to tell you that one of my books is a success.  cross your fingers.  LOL!  and maybe by this time next year we will ALL be able to say that 2012 was a good year.  :)))

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

self hate . . .

i'm sitting here w/tears in my eyes and racing thoughts once again. it's one AM and i need to be in the bed but i'm sitting here thinking too much.  wanna hear this one?  really?  i have to tell you i amaze myself.  i'm sure those of you who know me get tired of my insulting myself or not realizing/seeing what all of you see or whatever. 

you know i've been told all my life just how beautiful i am.  and i think you're all full of bullshit.  really.  this gets compounded just a few moments ago when i took a good look at the french manicure nails i gave myself earlier.  see, part of me does this with the nails b/c it makes me feel almost pretty for a moment.  but only a moment.  b/c then i look at these lady-like nails on these HUGE masculine, UGLY hands and think to myself, "YOU IDIOT!"  and it looks so out of place on such a drudge like me . . . and i literally just sat here and started crying b/c i truly feel like an idiot now for having done such a girly thing as my nails.  and it hits me.  like i said, i've been told all my life how beautiful i am (inside and out) and yet here i sit a 380 pound, vulgar mouthed, lazy-assed bitch who's listened to this raging, maniacal voice in her head telling her she's ugly and so forth and it hits me.  did i deliberately LET myself get in this condition b/c of "her"?  that voice?  did i somehow MAKE myself ugly b/c i was convinced i am????  how stupid is that?  i'm literally sitting her with that voice in my head SCREAMING at me - "who the fuck do you think you are?  do you think ANYONE will call you beautiful just b/c of those nails?  do you think ANYONE is impressed??  does it make you something you're soooo not to put on these nails and that make-up and flat-iron that limp, half-bald head of ridiculous hair???  do you REALLY believe that when people smile at you that they're smiling b/c they like you or think you look good at that moment?  NO!!!!  they're laughing at you, and giving you a moment of their time ONLY to be polite!''  may sound crazy but THAT'S how my head works.  and has for 40 long damn years.  it's crazy.  I'M crazy.  as a fuckin betsybug!!!!  all i can see now is a silly broad in grungy at home clothes sitting here with these nails that belong on a woman sooooo far different from me -  really marie???  over nails???? 

why won't she shut up??  why does she hate me so???  why do i care??  why do i listen??? 

i know, i know, if i hate my body so much, change it.  fix it.  lose weight.  get some vitamins to help my hair grow back and thicken up.  yeah.  easier said than done.  and yeah, i know, stop putting myself down.  stop being so hard on myself.  stop second guessing myself.  stop believing those negative thoughts and try some positives out.  i've heard the suggestion to say something positive about myself every day.  i wind up laughing or crying b/c i sound like a fool. 

somebody whack me with a two-by or something; maybe it'll knock some sense into me . . . . better yet, shoot me with a 12 guage and put me out of EVERYONE'S misery . . . (i'm NOT suicidal, just rambling - don't go there and don't worry)

i know i'm gonna get some responses to this one; things i've heard before.  and it never makes a difference.  but go ahead.  let me have it. 

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

tears . . . .

i guess this is just a day for tears.  and don't worry.  i'm just fine.  i've just had some memories hit me hard today.  my mother gave me a book called "God's Calling" that i had given to Auntie for her birthday way back in 01.  it's an inpsirational book that you take and read a passage each day - from Jan 1 to Dec. 31.  she gave it to me b/c scattered all throughout the book are notes scribbled about on various days; notes such as the day Dale and I got our Explorer in 02.  (and buddy have we run that sucker damn near to death - LOL!)  notes such as the dates my sister joined the USMC (Marines), the day she went to Kuwait, the day she left for Japan and other dates in her life inbetween, dates of death of loved ones, celebrities, one of her pets . . . notes on days that friends visited her or her and my grandmother when she was still alive . . . just little things, a lot of which i had forgotten.  she only had one entry noting her refusal to take the treatments offered by Dr. Tuturro for her myeloma . . . found that interesting.  but it was two entries in the back of the book that had me crying for the second time today.  the first is a lovely poem (i'm sure it's original, as in hers) written about a month after my nana (grandmother) passed away in 04.  she mentions "silver raindrops".  my nana did say something in one of her more lucid moments before her death about seeing the silver raindrops outside the window of the hospital room . . . three pages later, in an entry dated Dec. 08, Auntie says the silver raindrops are falling again; she sees them through the same hospital room window my nana was in when she died . . . i have tried so hard to ignore it, deny it and everything else but i guess Auntie was sicker than she let on to any of us.  i have refused since 2007 to admit or agree that my aunt was stricken with multiple myeloma, blood cancer or that said cancer was what she died from.  she never presented any symptoms of cancer in my opinion until about 4 months prior to her death.  even the doctors remarked that it may have been a HUGE misdiagnosis b/c she never exhibited ANY of the typical side effects of cancer.  hell, even the sickness she did deal with in her last few months was more indicative of gall stone trouble than anything.  but when i think back over that time, how quickly she went downhill, and i mean FAST; literally able to walk and go one day and bedridden the next, i wonder if i was just being stubborn in my lack of acknowledgement of her "illness".  she never said anything to any of us about feeling sick if she did, or hurting if she did, she never asked any of us for help w/anything except maybe wrapping pipe in the winter to keep them from freezing or little things.  we offered sooooo many times to do things big and small for her and she would just say "no, it'll be all right" or "no, i don't want that" or "no, just leave it alone, i'll get to it later".  HA!  later never came.  and to be mean about it for a minute, if you really take a good look at what she did and didn't do for herself, her home and other stuff, it's like she DELIBERATELY let everything go.  she hated asking any of us for anything and hated relying on us to take her to the store and such; she sold her car (one thing NOT mentioned in the little book) when she decided that 69/70 was too old to be driving.  and just stayed home.  literally.  we took her out on the first of the month when she got her check and after that it was fetch for her.  don't get me wrong i didn't mind doing that but she closed herself off in my opinion.   esp. after she was diagnosed w/that myeloma.  it was almost like she thought everyone could see that she supposedly had cancer.  but she kept to herself, only giving harsh words and opinions after a while . . . she made do with whatever was around her no matter how many times we offered to make it better (if we had we'd have NEVER heard the en of it) that woman could make 5 lb. of hamburger last a month.  she hated it when we'd offer to get whatever she needed or brought her stuff; at least she behaved that way sometimes.  sometimes she'd smile or accept it gracefully but . . . mom and i would cook and share it with her; she's say we were shorting ourselves . . . it was the same after she had to stay here with us.  she wouldn't want to eat the supper i cooked b/c she said it was ours and she shouldn't be here and that she didn't want to short us on our dinner . . . i'm rambling and can't help it.  DAMINT!!!!!  those last four months of her life had to be the toughest thing i've ever seen anyone go through; she couldn't eat for most of it.  she lost so much weight, i know she suffered but she never said.  she even passed w/an angry look on her face and i've often kicked myself in the ass wondering if i did something wrong . . . i know i didn't but still . . . was i really that stubborn as so not to see that she was sick?  or was SHE so stubborn as to refuse any and all help for said illness??  little of both maybe????  she was one stubborn woman that's for sure.  she truly, FULLY believed one doctors opinion and spent her last couple of years convinced she had blood cancer even though stuff inidicated otherwise.  oh, a doc would say off and on that yeah, this could be related to it or that could be related to it as she saw doc after doc those last few months but NONE of them EVER confirmed that she was having problems b/c of the myeloma.  they tried to help her with her reflux disease that was causing a LOT of the problems but . . . she was worse than a child.  FIRST OF ALL, she didn't believe in taking medication for ANY reason.  said it was sinful to put anything like that in your body . . .  SECOND, if she DID agree to medication in those last few months, it was smile nice and agree to it in front of the doctor, GET the medication then go home and bitch about it and refuse to take it!!!  and i think she would tell the docs it didn't work the next time she saw them . . . no one went with her in the exam rooms when she'd see them so who knows . . . i know she didn't like it when MOM & I WOULD tell the docs that SHE refused the medication those few times she was in the hospital in those last months . . . talk about looks could kill!  she could bat those eyelashes and say one thing to the docs and give US holy hell at home b/c she didn't like the taste of the medicine or it was wrong to take it or whatever. . . . . yeah, i know i said i was crying earlier; sounds like a little anger is still there too.  i'm sorry for that.  i shouldn't be angry.  really.  i shouldn't.  but i am i guess.  i just felt so . . . . i don't know, when i read those words about silver raindrops and being there in that room where nana died . . . it hurt.  to know that her own death was on her mind then, 3 years before she died, and that she never said anything to any of us.  well, we were brought up NOT to talk about emotions and such; the couple of times i did try, she laughed at me or got angry and made me feel REAAAALLLLY stoopid about it.  and then to watch her WILL herself to die was awful.  but that's exactly what she did.  maybe she did know the end was coming soon but she would actually be angry, i swear, when she'd wake up and still be here.  she BEGGGGGED for God to take her on a daily basis, esp. when she was frustrated or angry w/us for some reason.  i can understand that to a point but . . . .  man i am NOT making any sense.  but i needed to get this out.  please know that i am all right, i'm not depressed or whatever - it was just that memories hit me hard today and i cried.  guess i needed to. 

Monday, December 5, 2011

huh?????

anyone else out there having racing thoughts?  anyone else able to go from cheerful to depressed in 0.6 seconds? and not know why?  i can't explain it.  but i was happy as hell a little while ago and now . . . i honestly think i'm going crazy.  i can't concentrate these days, can't remember to do what i need to do, and if i do remember, i somehow never get it done.  my thoughts are truly scrambled right now.  and bouncing like crazy in that vast cavern that is my empty skull.  i want to laugh hysterically and cry in the same breath.  once again i am feeling VERY inadequate and stooopid.  yeah, yeah, i know, build a fence and get over it.  yeah, well you bite me.  i don't seem to express myself well these days - i feel like i sound like a complete fool with any opinion i give or statement i make or action i try.  i can't seem to do anything right - i feel like i'm losing a couple of important battles and i don't want to say too much about a lot of it to anyone else b/c i'm afraid of what they might wind up saying.  in one instance, i'm afraid it will add to one person's very misplaced sense of guilt . . . and i don't want to go there.  but i'm at a loss as to how to handle one situation and it's driving me nuts to be honest.  i have a deep sense of fear hanging right over my head too and i don't know why.  nearly a dread sense.  i have a tendency to overreact about some situations simply b/c i can't control them and a HUGE tendency to worry some things to death . . . which i guess is what i'm doing.  i ramble when i speak to people.  i have one friend on facebook that i'm sure at this moment is rolling her eyes and wondering when this goofy heifer will lighten up or wake up or whatever.  you know, i had this tremendously crazy idea of writing a book.  i did well i guess for a while but i can't seem to finish.  yeah, that's normal for me.  i just don't feel like i'm doing anything good with it.  in fact, it sucks if you ask me.  i keep getting truly wonderful compliments on my writing ability but to be honest, i hate what i write.  i keep getting told i have this gift and that i SHOULD share it and so forth.  BULLSHIT.  let me say that again.  BULL-SHIT!!!!  i'm not a writer.  i'm a fat-assed goofy housewife with delusions of granduer.  now several people are gonna tell me to stop this.  and realize i AM good at writing.  and i AM a good person.  and so forth and so on.  maybe.  i doubt it.  i'm one of those people who's half-assed good at next to nothing but existing.  yeah, yeah, i hear you.  then change it.  do something about it.  quit whining.  stop putting myself down.  quit believing that screaming BITCH who is currently raging inside my head as i write this.  i can't.  that part of me is quite convincing.  she's done it for 40 years.  don't worry.  i'm not the kind of depressed that will cause me to say i want to "end it all".  no, no, no.  i like living.  i'm just not good at it.  sorry to put this out there and leave it so abruptly but i'm running out of things to say coherently.  just needed to say something i guess. . . . .

Saturday, December 3, 2011

racism and Christianity

this is purely a "VENT" for me and nothing else.  this is NOT intended to offend anyone or make them uncomfortable but if it does, i am sincerely apologetic.  i am going to use words that may be HIGHLY offensive and inflamatory but i do NOT use these words in that manner.

but i have to get something out before it makes me crazy.  my teeth are already hurting from me clenching my jaws and grinding my teeth as i seethed and hurt over this earlier.  please bear with me . . .

to put it bluntly, it thoroughly amazes and flumoxes me that this is the year 2011 and we still behave as if we are pre-historic.  by this i mean in the way we treat other people.  with such ugliness, greed, and hatred.  my first little rant is on a very unpopular subject.  RACISM.  i could go on for pages about how i find it VERY base and degrading to use derogatory terms towards ANY race, religion or creed but i want to go for the most prevalant one facing most of us who live in the area of the world that i reside.  that old tired horse, the BLACK/WHITE issue.  and the word "nigger".  i have ALWAYS found that word offensive and i must apologize that i have not always told those around me that i do.  WHY?  because i live in the south.  and because sometimes it's easier to keep your mouth shut and let the word fly than to call attention to it and cause a "riot".  i apologize to anyone that ever felt i was slighting them by doing this.  sincerely.  i grew up here in the backwoods of rural louisiana in a majority black community.  yes, i heard the word "nigger" all the time - mostly used in a derogatory manner. yes, i grew up with some of those nagging thoughts in the back of my mind that the "races" were not meant to be together and so forth.  i knew better but it was all around me and sometimes against our better judgement and common sense, we go along with the status quo simply to keep ourselves out of trouble.  which truthfully is just as wrong as being disrepectful with the words or actions of racism.  i was taught NEVER to think myself better than ANYONE; black, white, sky blue, rich, Baptist(i'm Catholic),poor, fat, skinny, ugly, smart, not so book smart, whatever.  i was taught that RESPECT and LOVE were the two main tools that we should use to go through life.  i didn't just get this from home either.  i got this from my home, the community i have lived in for the past 30 years, school, my church . . . and this meant i learned from black and white teacher, preachers, priests, moms and dads, my peers, co-workers, everyone.  and i think i have a pretty good balance on it.  i have tried to teach my 3 children even better than i learned and tonight i found out i have done all right. 

my oldest son plays basketball for the very school i attented from 5th grade to graduation.  he is the only white member of the basketball team.  so what?  he is as much a part of the team as anyone.  tonight they played a school from a community long known for it's extreme racist views and agendas.  after a heartbreaking loss that could have been avoided my son was approached by 4 members of the opposing team and asked why and how he was on the team with a bunch of niggers.  my son IMMEDIATELY fired back with "hey, that's my team AND my family" to which a stunning silence was met.  way to go Jake!  how can we STILL teach such vulgar habits as racism to our children????  why is it still so prevalent today?  this leads into the second stage of my rant; Christianty. 

HOW in the name of God in Heaven can one call themselves a Christian, walk around with a cross and a fully Christian phrase on the back on one's clothing and STILL use such a hateful word and call someone out in such a disrespectful manner????  is this what God taught us??  or if we call ourselves Christian, is this what Jesus Christ taught us????  to believe that we are better than or more worthy than the one next to us???  that we have the RIGHT to degrade another human being with words???  how can one possibly believe they will EVER see the treasure that is Heaven if we hold such hate in our hearts????  and that's all it is.  ignorance and hate.  how do you say one thing on Sunday morning or Wednesday evening or any other day of the week in the middle of a "church" service and turn around and DO the opposite 5 minutes later???  how do you read those words in that amazing book called the Holy Bible and then twist them to your advantage when the need strikes????  how do you call yourself fully Christian then say "only whites are allowed in this house of worship"?  how do you smile to a person's face one moment and curse the ground they walk on the next???  

how can we "curse" someone with the old "i hope such and such happens to you" and still believe we are Christian??  how do we preach reaching out to everyone only to find that really means we're gonna ONLY reach for those we think are like us????  and it's funny how we find ourselves doing this in everyday life; in little ways.  we don't approach those we think are different.  why not?  we don't include those we believe are "like us".  why not?  we stay comfy in our little circles and ignore those we feel are different.  i'm not saying that's not okay to a certain extent; we should be with like minded people in most cases and we tent to do that.  be friends with those whom we have things in common be it music, religion, sports, lifestyles, etc.  that's fine.  but we DON'T have the RIGHT to believe that those who DON'T think the way we do on EVERYTHING are wrong, evil-minded assholes who deserve to be treated like something we scraped off the bottom of our shoe.  i don't want to be EXACTLY the same as everyone i know.  variety IS the spice of life.  and that means variety in pretty much everything in my opinion.  a variety of opinions, tastes, thoughts, whatever. 

i guess my whole point in this tirade is that i was very hurt and angered by those IGNORANT FOOLS who tried to make my son feel like he was doing something WRONG by being a part of a team of those not exactly like him.  my children don't see black or white.  i didn't either all the time i worked as a substitute teacher in the same school.  i only saw people.  people who bleed the same as me, hurt the same as me, laugh the same as me, walk and talk the same as me, cry the same as me, be proud of their children the same as me, have 10 toes and fingers the same as me; you know what the ONLY true difference is?  skin color.  now is that ONE thing REALLY enough to make us sooooo different???  i don't think so. 

if i have offended anyone, i am sorry.  if i have made you think a moment, good.  i am proud of my son.  and i am proud of my BLACK AND WHITE family here in this community. 

i'm done now.  good night.