Tuesday, November 22, 2011

near militant opinions . . .

opinions.  EVERYONE'S got one on just about EVERY topic of life.  all of us.  sometimes we agree, sometimes we don't.  but i sit and read posts on FB or other internet sites (usually comments on an article of some kind) and it truly amazes me how downright MILITANT and forceful some folks can be with their opinions.  everyone is NOT supposed to have the same views on EVERYTHING i believe; it part of what makes us who we are as a people - differing opinions.  i don't really think i WANT to believe letter for letter the SAME DAMN THING everyone else does.  isn't "variety the spice of life"????  then why do some feel the need to be sooo aggressive with their OPINIONS and feel the need to make the rest of us cower until we say "yes master" and bow to their supposed "wiser" or more enlightened way of thinking??  PLEASE!!!! who makes you more enlighened than me??  or vice versa??  i would never dream of trying to force my opinion on someone in such a manner.  or at least i try.  HARD.  i don't expect everyone to agree with me on everything and that's all good!!  and if we can voice said opinions without raising our voices and RESPECTING each other enough to agree to disagree i'm fine.  but all this has really made me do over 40 years is learn to keep my mouth SHUT.  mostly.  i still have a bad habit of voicing my opinion and i generally wind up w/the other person pissed at me - well, annoyed really.  they usually forgive me but . . . just voiceing my opinion on opinions . . . and if you don't agree, that's cool.  i love you anyway!

Monday, November 21, 2011

blah

boy i tell ya.  when my insecurity complex takes over, it really does a good job.  feeling kinda wimpy this evening for lots of reasons.  and to be honest, they're all kinda stoopid.  from my end.  but it's that lack of self-confidence thing AND the always wanting/needing to make someone else feel better or apologize for not being what they think i should be.  i find myself apologizing a lot on that score and trying desperately to make sure the other soul knows i'd never hurt them deliberately or trying desperately to explain my actions or lack of to them to make them happy with me again.  and it hit me a while ago.  WHY AM I APOLOGIZING FOR BEING ME???  why can't i think of myself as a VERY capable human being?  why can't i sit here and say with absoute certainty that: #1 - I AM BEAUTIFUL, #2 - I AM CAPABLE, #3 - I AM A TALENTED WRITER, #4 - I CAN DO ANYTHING and #5 - I DON'T OWE ANYBODY AN EXPLAINATION ABOUT MY LIFE!!!  why can't i say these things without feeling like the biggest FOOL on the entire planet?  i have a good life.  HAPPILY MARRIED to a wonderful man, 3 gorgeous albiet assholey sometimes children, a lovely home, the size of my really HUGE fat ass will tell you i'm well fed, friends who know me, understand me and love me anyway, positions of responsibility in various forms that i'm semi-good at - and yet i feel unworthy, incapable, stupid, hideously vulgar (in looks) - i could go on but you get the idea.  why does it seem soooo easy for others to believe in themselves?  and laughable when i try?  why can some people really be themselves and NOT apologize for it?  yet i have this hell bent nature to show everyone i DO care about them and love them, esp. when they suddenly NEED the attention?  i'm rambling and not getting my point across am i.  i sit here and write and smile while i do it and think to myself "this is cool" and barely a day later i feel like the dumbest shmuck on earth and call my "work" trash.  this is a repeating cycle.  THEN i have to hear that i'm not/haven't been what someone thinks i should have been and i am HURT and feel GUILTY b/c i'm NOT the same person i was 10, 15, 20 or 30 years ago.  guess what?  I'M NOT!!!!  i am better and soooo different in a lot of ways than i was then.  and my life is quite full.  to be very brutally truthful, i'm not really sure why this hurts so much other than i feel like i've let someone down.  and i haven't.  at all.  i'm just not what they need.  and i can't be.  i AM everything i need to be right now: MOTHER, WIFE, LOVER,TEACHER. LEADER, FRIEND -  i have nothing to apologize for.  so i won't anymore.  maybe i can't drop everything and run out and do completely for myself - lunches, movies, hair salon trips, shopping trips, get-aways w/"the girls" and such . . . wanna know why?  B/C right now is not about ME.  it's about Dale, and my children and my little odd jobs.  guess what else?  from now till the end of my time, IT ALWAYS WILL BE.  i don't neglect me or treat myself badly, i DO need moments for myself, yes, but i ceased to be only me 18 years ago.  and added to that 16, 13 and 10 years ago.  and i'm happy with this!!!!!  very much so!!  my babies will be grown and gone soon enough - then i WILL have time to do a lot more for me or with others but right now i'm needed HERE.  in THIS capacity.  including people in this crazy life is NO problem.  i welcome it in fact.  BUT for most of them, their lives are just as full and crazy as mine.  maybe that's what it boils down to - most of the people i'm friends with have the SAME lifestyle i do - families, homes, jobs, ball games, scout meetings . . . i have friends who don't have all this and we manage to do things together, don't get me wrong but it's a little difficult to blend the two sometimes.  not always, just sometimes.  and that's when i start feeling guilty.  which is wrong of me.  them being a part of my family is WONDERFUL and VERY WELCOME.  but it hurts when i can't include them as much as they'd like in my own little circle of 5 here.  and i feel i need to apologize for that.  BUT I DON'T really.  am i making ANY sense at all?  or am i just going "out there"?  does anyone understand where i'm coming from?  why do i want to cry now?  somebody give me a pat and tell me it's ok . . .

Thursday, November 3, 2011

GRRR!

anybody who remembers me as a kid knows i didn't back down often.  but i've got a child who does.  and i know it's just because he's too compassionate and sweet hearted to rear back at anyone but DAMNED if i'd let half the bullshit he puts up with happen.  espcially since it's costing his dad's hard earned money to replace stuff.  how in the living hell does ONE child manage to have stuff "stolen" or taken and ruined so damn much????  one of the brats on my sons ball team came up behind him, punched him on an already bruised up arm and ran off with his jacket!!!  ok, so it was just a jerzees sweatshirt jacket, not really expensive BUT it was zach's.  and this kid is tiny, zach is NOT.  zach's jacket would basically swallow the other kid.  BUT it apparently got left behind in a school gym about 30 miles from here.  :P  little punk.  i'm sorry but if that had been ME, i would have chased the fucker down, KNOCKED him down and got my shit back.  man, people KNEW better than to mess with me as a kid b/c they didn't know if would go postal or not so they erred on the side of caution and left me the hell alone.  the one or two who were dumb enough to try my honor on got FOOLED.  no licks were passed per se but they got the flippin message.  zach bless his heart just takes it.  and i guess i should be grateful that he's NOT the retaliation kind but  . . . come on!!!  i am gonna sound hypocritical for a moment and say that i think the world public has placed WAY too much emphasis on this bullying thing.  it has gotten out of hand.  kids are cruel.  i know this b/c i WAS one.  yeah, i was as bad as everybody else.  i laughed at others, talked about others, didn't do too much directly picking on others but i went along with the crowd sometimes.  i think we all do.  hopefull we learn better.  maybe that's why i try sooooo hard now to be compassionate and forgiving and loving towards others.  i don't know.  but i DO know that there's no way in hell that kid would have had my stuff tonight.  his family was there at the ball game.  zach could have gone to one of them and said something.  but i think maybe he didn't b/c he figured the other kid might give him worse hell about something else.  or put another bruise on him.  i firmly believe in "turn the other cheek" but damn.  sometimes you gotta slap back.  not all the time but sometimes it's the only way to deal with someone.  i'm NOT condoning violence, just let someone know you won't be run over.  and if it takes getting physical, well . . . it's NOT the answer to every situation.  and i do think we have to learn as children what to respond to and what to let go.  sometimes it's not worth reducing yourself to the level of an idiot and behaving the same way they do.  well, most of the time actually.  but when it's needed, DO IT.  and don't apologize.  especially if it gets the message across.  bottom line is now i have to go buy my kid another jacket.  even if i mention it to his mom or whoever, the kid will deny it and since the jacket is long gone it would be hard to prove he took it.  :P  so i'll let it go and do what i have to do.  but it burns me up!!!!  guess you can tell from my language that i am PISSED.  but i'll get over it.  and who knows . . . maybe someone will come across that jacket and have a need for it.  maybe it will go to good use for someone.  i do think things happen for a reason but i would have taken reason BACK on this occasion.  i love my boy though and can't be too angry with him.  it's just not his nature to "fight back".  he's too busy smiling and loving life.  he's a good kid and i wish i had half his compassion and generosity.  unfortunately, it has caused and will cause him to be a door mat.  ok, rant over.  need sleep.  behave y'all.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

maybe this ain't the right time to get into this but . . . i guess it's true.  men and women are soooooo different.  and yet the same.  uh, yeah, i know y'all have this figured out already - we have innies they have outies - oh, sorry.  was i not s'posed to say that???  oops.  anyhoo, i know it all comes down to those little gene thingys racing around our bodies or DNA or whatever but it's weird how it works.  and how it makes us sooo attracted to each other.  i'm not sure where i'm going with this but . . . i guess it tends to amaze me sometimes when men REACT to women.  as in react to their dress, their hair, their walk - their hornymones completely run rampant sometimes.  not EVERY time but when they do and a woman responds with a cold, calcuated shut down they sit back like little boys and go "what the -".  they tend to believe THAT'S the reaction we want.  the catcalls.  the whistles.  the vulgar remarks.  a lick of their lips to show us EXACTLY what's on their minds - oh and it's almost always OUR fault they reacted this way.  i know women can behave this way too but not nearly as often or with the same emphatic nature as men.  unfortunately, a woman's emotional response to the seemingly innocent (in his veiw) comment or gesture is what jades us women to men - we get tired of that kind of reaction.  most men i know don't realize they've reacted in this manner and it really does boggle their minds - "you dressed in sexy manner or gave me a look or a certain smile and i thought that meant you were ready and willing or wanted someone to say looked good enought to eat so i told you what i thought you wanted to hear and now you're yelling at me that i'm a pig.  i don't understand . . . "  this is what rolls through their brain as we fume and rage and stomp our outrageously priced stilletos.  it really does confuse them.  and they don't know how to make it better.  it's hard to do but maybe we women need to remember that they are only doing what comes natural.  their only doing what God or Mother Nature or whomever has programmed them to do.  some women would say that men need to learn to read women and their signals better - "is a puzzlement" to quote "King" from the movie the King & I.  like i said, we're so opposite it's not funny.  BUT that's what makes us and love and sex and stuff so great.  B/C we're opposite.  and we're alike b/c even though men give the cat calls and whistles, somewhere in their furry little chests they TOO want love and companionship.  they've just never quite figured out how to get there.  men, when we dress a certain way or walk a certain way or whatever, YES, it IS to get attention.  but not cheap attention.  and not always from you.  sometimes it's simply for OURSELVES.  to show OURSELVES that we are beautiful, capable, smart, funny, loving creatures.  somtimes it's simply to show our inner self, our "power" so to speak, our ability to be a woman.  and as much as we want attention, we don't neccessarily want YOUR attention.  no one please take this blog as me thinking i am some kind of expert - this whole shebang is my opinion, nothing more.  but i hope i have expressed what a lot of women feel.  take it however you like.