Sunday, October 30, 2011

see?  i got thoughts boiling already.  wow.  who knew? 

ANGER.  big word.  lots of types.  i'm one of those people with a QUICK trigger.  yeah, i know, that's not good.  especially when certain people get the brunt of it.  but when i go off, I GO OFF.  and over stoopid stuffs.  my kids are soooo gonna have a TON of fodder for some therapist one day.  half the time i'm not really sure why i'm angry, i just react.  i don't throw things or hit things - or people.  although there have been times when . . . i do slam doors and stuff like that.  and here back in the summer i gave myself a GOOD injury to my hand when i slammed 'em REALLY hard on the edge of the kitchen sink.  my right hand has still not gotten over that and it has become difficult to grip things without pain.  can't blame anybody but me though.  doesn't matter who or what i was angry over.  i shouldn't have reacted that way. 

i tend to get pissy over things like stoopid drivers.  (yes, i know i've misspelled that word twice.  deal w/it.)  but it gets me when people don't use turn signals or pull out in front of me and then go 2 1/2 miles an hour.  ok, i have a lead foot which doesn't help.  i also get annoyed when i see these BIG ASS trucks taking up both lanes on these BAD state highways we have around here.  and i probably shouldn't admit it but i will play chicken w/the f*ckers and MAKE 'em move.  most of these actions usually gets a laugh from my hubby who's riding shotgun AND the promise of a shock collar.  try it big boy.


but i also get ticked at things when they don't work right the first time or they don't work right at all.  and there i go.  sometimes even w/tears.  that's not really anger though right?  isn't it called frustration?  geez.  i be fwustwated a LOT!  (don't go there cheeky ones)

mostly i get ticked at myself.  and buddy can i give myself a hard time.  NO ONE can rake me over worse than myself.  in fact, i've dealt with a WHOLE nuther side of me for damn near 40 years now.  and that side HATES me.  she does!  and tells me all kinds of negative junk.  about me.  and i believe it.  :P  that makes me a doofus right? 

THEN there's the stress.  HA!  knew that was coming didn't you?  i eat stress like candy.  just let is consume me sometimes.  :P  i now have completel screwed up my left jaw - it's out of alignment.  and it HURTS.  i have had a habit of grinding my teeth or clenching my jaws when i'm pissed.  and after all these years of this BS, i have harmed myself.  way to go self!  i've learned to catch this habit lately though.  now to just get the headaches under control . . .

behind all this baloney comes the GUILT.  oooooh!  scary word!  GUILT.  yeah, i DO feel bad when i've gone off the deep end and i DO try to make amends when and where needed.  don't always get forgiven but . . .

so, yeah, i've had a BAD MOOD evening.  i've smoked a few more Marlboros than i should.  (i know, nasty habit - bite me)  i've used a few more choice words than i should. (i have a mouth like a sailor sometimes)  i wondered if the rum in the cabinet would go good w/dr. pepper.  didn't find out.  i drink occasionally.  sometimes lately though it seems like a good drunk would do the trick.  yeah, i know.  it would only cause a hangover and MORE GUILT.  in that case . . .

how angry do YOU get sometimes?  over what?  do you think i need help?  a nice HUG MYSELF jacket & rubber room? 

i'll feel better in the morning don't worry.  my anger flies away as quick as it shows up most of the time.  and those that matter know i'm not angry with them.  and they understand me.  good thing they do. cause i don't understand myself. 

hello

hi there!  i am very new at this so give me a while to figure out just what to post on here.  it will mostly be my thoughts and musings but i may decide to share poetry or short stories from time to time.  and i will happily look forward to replies and criticisms.  feel free to be honest - i need that.